Out with the Old (Relationships), In with the New (Relationship)

In the last few months, I've learned some good lessons about building a solid foundation for a relationship. I tend toward the conservative in theory when it comes to these sorts of issues ("wide margins"), but in practice, I've let remnants of past relationships continue to linger.

For example, until recently I still had hundreds of photographs on my computer of ex-boyfriends. I never look at the photos; they serve no purpose whatsoever. Yet I've never taken the time to delete them. And really I'd never given any thought to doing so until I asked about a photo album in Clay's closet. He had to look to even know what was in it. It was photographs of his ex-fiancee and him from years ago, and I didn't like how it made me feel. And it made me think about how Clay would feel if he ran across the photographs, cards, letters, etc. that I've held onto for years from various ex-boyfriends. Granted most are in boxes at my dad's house ("storage"), but they aren't things I need to hold onto as I move forward.

Similarly until recently I've talked to Carter when he calls each month or so. While our conversations involve nothing inappropriate and I enjoy chatting with Carter, it doesn't feel wise to continue investing in a friendship with an ex-boyfriend. And it doesn't seem like the best way for me to care for Clay and our relationship.

It's cost me very little to make these changes/deletions; it's just taken a little effort and time, which is absolutely well worth it to help build a healthy relationship that leaves less room for insecurity and doubt.

p.s. I'm grateful for a weekend filled with time with my family and a growing friendship with my secretary.

Best Case Scenario

I'm not sure exactly why, but on Sunday it struck me that I never wonder if the best case scenario of a situation, specifically a romantic relational situation such as my relationship with Clay, will play out in the best possible way. Instead I wonder "what if he isn't who he says he is?" or "how could he possibly be this crazy about me if he really knew me?"

I never think "what if he's as fantastic as I think he is, and we're totally right for each other?"

It's as if I am mentally preparing for the worst case scenario, bracing myself, so that somehow it won't hurt if things don't work out. And in doing so, I'm denying myself the full joy of the present. It's a dumb, pessimistic way to live, and as I was doing my Bible study this weekend, I realized it was a failure to trust that the Lord will protect and comfort me and ultimately use all things for my good and His glory. My experience has shown me that God is always faithful, yet I try to preemptively protect myself. And in addition, to denying myself the fun, excitement, and hope that life offer, it makes it challenging for Clay to fully invest in our relationship. Sometimes he feels like I'm looking for a flaw and just waiting to be disappointed. And he's right.

Funny, I wrote a similar post about 18 months ago, and in reading that post and reflecting on how I felt then, I see that I'm making progress in this regard. And I'm reminded of how easy and mostly joy-filled this relationship with Clay is. It amazes me that I can spend so much time with him and not have my introverted, irritated ways come out at all. I feel so blessed. Yet another reason to be more hopeful, imagine the best case scenario, and be intentional about delighting in the Lord and trusting that He is in control and loves me more than I can fathom.

p.s. I'm grateful for my Bible study group.

I want to be more concerned about what might be than about being right about what might not be

I've been thinking about what it means to love our neighbors (not the literal or typical definition but the one given by Jesus and in the OT--anyone I come into contact with who lacks resources, the poor, the immigrant, etc.). And as I thought through what I already do and what I could do to be more loving, my mind wondered down the path of trying to figure out what to do about this one person in my life who I've been trying to love well for the last 8 months despite how infuriating and exhausting he can be. Unlike many, he has access to resources and opportunities that he doesn't avail himself of, making poor choices and not using what he has wisely. Am I wasting time on him that could be better spent helping someone who wants to help himself more?

As I thought, I realized that I was sort of like the lawyer (imagine that) in Luke 10:25-37 in the Parable of the Good Samaritan. I'm more interested in defining and limiting the definition of "neighbor" than just loving and taking action. Over the years, I've seen this a lot in my middle class circles--both Christian and otherwise. We'll talk about helping a group/person and somehow get lost in reasons not to ("well they aren't really helping themselves" or "maybe this isn't the best way to do it" or "I probably shouldn't take anything else on right now"). No doubt, a lack of love is often easy to justify.

And it's easy for me to think I get it all so wrong (living in my loft, driving my SUV, typing on my laptop and listening to my ipod and basically living a life of incredible physical comfort and luxury) that I just give up and push all of the poverty and injustice of this world out of my mind. Or I conclude that I just need to move to a third world country (as if my neighbors here don't need love too). In reality I just need to do. I need to write a letter to Pedro in Peru instead of running that last mile. I need to love my infuriating friend well even if he is making destructive decisions. I need to write that check instead of constantly counting the cost (which I don't do so much when it's something I want). I need to have that uncomfortable conversation. I need to talk to the homeless person rather than look away. And I need to humbly rely on God because I know I may be getting it all wrong, but surely it pleases Him that I'm trying no matter how feeble my attempts are. Here are some of the questions I'm asking myself:

"Am I more aware of what I don't have (or want) or of what others need?"

"Am I offering things that don't cost me anything?"

Do I want to give myself away? Do I really believe that I have to lose my life to find it?

p.s. I'm grateful for this video. I didn't like it until 4:30 (thought it was sort of gay; I'm not the interpretative dance kind), but then it totally affected me. Now I'm a fan :)

Triste

So as I mentioned on Friday the case settled, and I felt the adrenaline leave my body and exhaustion set in. The conversation with Oliver from earlier in the week also came to mind, and I realized that I would be seeing him over the weekend after all and not having a week and most of two weekends in Texas to adjust to the idea of us not dating, etc. And I just felt sad. All week I had felt pretty peaceful about it, thinking that if we're both seeking God and it's God's will for us to be together, then we would be--and if not, the sooner we know the better--so no big deal.

But I had also been in 11/12 hour a day work-mode with a 1.5ish hour a day round-trip commute, so I hadn't really been thinking very much about it. So I decided on Friday to let myself be sad for the weekend even though I sort of felt like I shouldn't be sad over something so small, particularly when I'm so incredibly blessed. But I extended some grace to myself, slept in, and thought and prayed some (and burned 30 plus Christmas trees and dipped pretzels and Ritz crackers and peanut butter in white chocolate, which is always a good time, right?).

I realized part of my sadness was that it seemed like my friend Oliver just wasn't the same since returning from the holidays, and I was afraid our friendship was going to be pretty different post-not-dating. Since he's been one of the three people I've spent the most time with since I moved to Chattanooga that just made me angry too--like somehow a handful of dates was going to mess it all up. I also felt a little irritated with Oliver and God--a sort of what is the point of us dating for a month or so?

Anyway, my neighbor, Oliver, and I ended up cooking dinner together Sunday night and watching DPS, and it was just as silly and fun as before. I am so glad. I've missed our ridiculousness and laughter.

I still feel a bit sad, but I think it's a combination of THIS DREARY, RIDICULOUS (where is the sun??!?) WEATHER, disappointing change with respect to not dating Oliver and this case settling, and just the January blah feeling that happens most years than not.

p.s. I'm grateful that my super-fun friend Sara is staying with me three nights a week for the next four weeks as she completes some med school requirement in the area. On Saturday I had been thinking that I wish I had a best girlfriend in Chatty to just hang out with without agenda, and voila God answered my prayer (for at least the next month anyway:)

When It Rains, It Pours

So we're finally going to Austin for that trial that was continued at the last minute back in November. I leave really early Saturday morning for a week. Work is crazy, and I can't possibly do everything that has been asked of me. Yesterday I had so much adrenaline pumping through me as I rushed about that I could see my arm shaking above the keyboard. And while it feels overwhelming and a bit miserable, I'm really glad that I'm going to get to sit through an entire trial next week from beginning to end and see what all goes into such complex litigation. Plus it's going to be lots of hours, and I'm paid by the hour:)

In addition to work craziness, Oliver returned to Chatty last week, and within two days I realized something was up with him. He was calling me almost every day, but he didn't make any plans with me for the weekend. It was sort of like a 180 from where we'd left things before Christmas.

Long story short, we finally talked on Monday and for various reasons, he no longer wanted to date. I told him I was disappointed in the situation but so grateful and glad that he was telling me all of this. The conversation felt like such a relief. Knowing is so much easier to me than wondering. I left the conversation feeling so grateful for Oliver and who he is and is trying to be and so glad that Christ is my center and not this (or any) relationship. I also felt tremendously loved by my faithful, praying friends who check in with me and pray for me and send me really cool packages in the mail to be waiting at my door before a not-fun conversation. God is so faithful.

p.s. I'm grateful for TC's latest post and her wishes for me. I think that I may have to steal the fabulous idea.

Conflict Resolved

For at least the past ten years one of my struggles has been how I handle interpersonal conflict. I'm often tempted not to handle it and/or let it eat away at me to the point that it's my primary focus. It's seemed odd to me that this is so difficult for me given that (1) most people regard me as a straight-shooter who calls it like it is and (2) I'm an attorney and have generally been happy to go to bat for others and with regard to non-inter-personal things like consumer issues, etc.

Over time I've realized that there are several obstacles between healthy conflict resolution and me. Carter pointed out one issue--some of my early attempts at handling some family matters blew up in my face and were very painful and disappointing, thus it's logical that I avoid it now. For years I struggled with the sadness associated with this conflict and finally dealt with it in college with the help of a therapist. At the end of therapy, I spoke with the family member about how difficult it had all been for me, and I was given the awful "I'm sorry you feel that way" line which basically just means "whatever." Needless to say that negative experience helped make me gun-shy.

I think another obstacle is my pride. I hate needing anyone, being vulnerable, and admitting that I may have (gasp!) illogical feelings. After all a dispute with AT&T over a phone bill isn't going to cause tears, pain, or require that I admit that I'm hurt--that you can hurt me.

So over the past few years, I've forced myself to tell people when they hurt my feelings. It's been challenging for me, but I think I'm so much better for it. And it's getting easier.

This latest conflict was something that I would have ignored in the past--and just resulted in me avoiding the offender, but given that I'm trying to live in Christian community and do unto others as I'd have them do unto me (and Lord knows, I hurt people's feelings without realizing it and need to be told so I can avoid it in the future), I confronted him about his unacceptable behavior. We had a good conversation, and he took complete responsibility for his actions (and even contacted my friends who were there to discuss it with them) and asked for my forgiveness. So now I've yet another positive experience with conflict resolution.

In other news, we had a fun Halloween party on our roof last week complete with a fire. Not many people get to have fires on their roof:) Here's my best pirate face. Unfortunately the roof was too cold to wear my pirate skirt (and really do pirates wear skirts?). I also drank my very first po'mosa (poor man's mimosa--Miller High Life & orange juice....and surprisingly not bad, particularly since I hate beer). Saturday was a trip to Nashville with friends to see William Fitzsimmons in concert, play frisbee in the park with Brian, and have dinner (and yummy mojitos) at Rumba with Isabella and Chasie. Fun, fun, fun!

p.s. I'm thankful that my boss offered to let me stay at his mountain cabin (complete with a waterfall in the backyard!) this weekend.

Life Then v. Life Now

After doing my senior year of high school/freshman year of college at Mercer, I transferred to the University of Georgia. UGA was odd to me in that most people seemed to hang out with their high school friends--not branching far beyond that group. Unfortunately despite my gradauting class' size, only three of us were attending UGA. Nic and I lived in the same apartment complex, and Greg lived around the corner. We saw each other pretty much every day. Greg and I ran together and watched Silk Stalkings at night. We had numerous Taco Stand and Hodgson's ice cream (25 cents a scoop!) runs. I even stole Greg's keys out of his pocket one night to drive Nic and me home (and I should definitely not have been driving), leaving him stranded downtown with a not-cute girl. And he wasn't even mad at me. And I've not talked to Greg in at least two years.

My boss from this last year at PTM called me tonight to tell me that they've missed me and to check in, and it's hard for me to believe I left such an awesome place where I felt so loved and appreciated. And I miss them a lot. In fact, whenever I think about starting to volunteer at the afterschool program nearby I get upset b/c it makes me miss PTM so much. And then I start thinking about my life in Nashville and the people that I miss.

With the way life is now, there will be hundreds of people who play important roles in our lives but eventually will just be memories. We won't necessarily know (unless they are our Facebook friend:) if they are doing well, are healthy, married, etc. And it's just weird. It's almost bizarre when you think about it. Just 100 years ago I imagine that most people never went more than a few miles from their homes--ever. They invested in the same community and people for their entire lifetime, only saying good-bye when someone died. Granted, I like having mobility and not being destined to live where I was born for my entire life, but there's just something bittersweet (and a bit emotionally exhausting) about the rapid way our lives change and how transient we are now. It's difficult to stay invested in old relationships and make time for new ones. It's challenging to let go of people, realizing that you can't move forward and cling to everyone from the past. And it's not that I even want to; it's just odd to think about how integral people have been in my life, and now how I don't even know their phone numbers.

p.s. I'm grateful for the healing relationships God placed in my life this last year. As much as people come and go, it's awesome to have relationships that will hopefully have a lifelong effect on me.

Sad But So Grateful

One of the reasons this break-up has been so much easier than those in the past is because of my faith and how it has changed how I interact in relationships. For years the center of my life was me, and at times, my boyfriends became part of that center too. My attitude and mood vacillated in sync with these relationships, and it was incredibly painful when I had to let go of this central part of my life--gut wrenching, sobbing, cannot focus at work sort of anguish. It's the sort of pain that produces really powerful and moving lyrics ("Black" and "Anna Begins" come to mind) and poetry but is so unnecessary.

And as I adjust to the loss of this relationship with Carter, I cannot help but also feel overwhelmed with gratitude for my relationship with Christ Jesus. This relationship has transformed my life and has given me a center that is faithful, certain, unfailing, and hopeful. I can submit my disappointment to Him; I can trust that He has a plan for me; and my life isn't turned upside down by a break-up because my life has been centered around God instead of Carter or myself.

Here's the you tube video that has been wrecking me lately....I love reading and hearing about how Christ is transforming others' lives, and this video presents people's "cardboard testimonies." Feel free to share yours too.



Mine is:

First side: Didn't realize I was lost and broken
Flip side: Grateful and joyous to know Him

p.s. I'm thankful for the late night walk home from dinner with my friend Isabella. It's great to live close enough to restaurants to walk to them, and the weather was perfect for dining outside.

Only 13 out of the 29 Dimensions of Compatibility

Before Carter left tonight, we pondered potential titles for this post, and this was his best suggestion. If you've seen the numerous e-harmony ads, it should make sense. After making what feels like a good effort, Carter and I have realized that we're just not matching up in enough of the 29 dimensions of compatibility.

I've had some reservations that I thought might be resolved with time as our relationship and feelings grew, but after more conversation we're realized that our personalities and preferences and strengths and weaknesses are just not lining up in a way that allow us to relationally thrive.

And if that sentence sounds really formal and analytical and without emotion...well in some ways that has been one of my struggles. We can both be overly analytical and intellectual, and somehow the way we fit together has resulted in what feels like a lack of emotional and romantic connection to have been dating seven months (I cannot believe it's been that long). My friend Chasie actually brought this concern up two weeks ago (that I didn't seem that excited about Carter and that she worried that Carter and I didn't share the playfulness and silliness that she enjoys with me), and I am so grateful to her for being bold enough to express her concerns. I love having friends like her, and I'm thankful that my brother-in-law and sister shared their thoughts about this same issue with me (even if I ignored it the first three times:).

On the upside, this has been the most mutual break-up I have ever experienced, and while I know I'll miss Carter, I am glad this is resolved and that I can quit thinking about it.

p.s. I'm grateful for the respectful and kind way Carter and I handled this break-up. There is so much I respect about Carter, and the way he handled this only reinforces my belief that he's a great person.

"Sheets of empty canvas, untouched sheets of clay..."

In high school I'd put this song on repeat as I fell asleep. As I got ready for school I'd listen to "Betterman," and before each cross country meet I'd listen to "Even Flow" and "Alive" in mental preparation. I managed my way into a mosh pit at their concert in Charlotte when I was 18, and it was definitely the highlight of my life up until that point.

While I no longer have the angst that once fueled my love of Pearl Jam, music is still a really important part of my life. It energizes, inspires, and can even depress me. Thus an interesting part of dating for me is learning someone's musical tastes. Carter SHOCKED me by being unable to name a single Pearl Jam song; he even looked at a list of their songs online, and none rang a bell. He later recognized a song or two on a CD I made for him, but still we're living in very different musical worlds (e.g., he doesn't have an ipod/MP3 player, and he only owns (maybe) four CDs that I like). Fortunately he's more open to my musical taste than I am to his, and we can easily agree on U2 and Christian music.

I think part of the difference in our musical preference is our age difference. I'm 29 (and still cannot believe sometimes that I've reached such a grown-up seeming age), and he's 37. Eight years isn't a big difference in my mind given our ages, but for the first time, I feel like I'm dating an adult. I'm dating someone who has his life more together than I have mine. He's not calling me twice a day for advice or unable to discuss complicated issues in a mature, thoughtful, and educated way. In the first few months, it was a bit intimidating. Anyway, I digress; that's another post all together.

So here's another thing that may be age related: short sleeve buttoned up shirts (but at least not the white ones some men wear with suits) and sandals. Suffice to say that I'm glad we started dating in the late fall:)

Am I the only person who finds these types of "sandals" to be an incredible eye sore? When are these better than the faithful Rainbow flip-flops that every other guy I know wears? Although I don't put short-sleeve button up shirts in quite the same category as "sandals," I find a Polo or long sleeve button up with the sleeves rolled up to be much much better. I'm definitely not a fashionista by any stretch, so I'm curious if I'm alone in these opinions. If you're dating someone with an age difference, I'm curious to read about what differences you've encountered too.

Fortunately Carter and my similarities in more important areas far outnumber our differences. And as soon as I'm done with my CLE in Atlanta on Friday, I get to see him:)

p.s. I'm grateful that Buckhead Church is having a Good Friday service and that I'll be in the ATL for it.

Infidelity: Should It Always Equal the End?

When I was much younger, the world seemed very black and white to me. Some things were wrong, and you were bad/immature/unwise if you did them. Over time I realized that life and people aren't as clear cut as I wanted them to be. I learned that people are going to let me down. We're all imperfect and are going to disappoint each other and make horrible mistakes. I know I've done things and said things that I never thought I would. Still I thought cheaters were a special class of awful. A lot of experiences have changed my condemnation of the unfaithful, including personal experiences and a better understanding of my faith. Oddly, one of the first things that changed my view was the movie The Bridges of Madison County

So anyway, today AM and I were chatting and cheating was a topic of conversation. AM and I both agreed that cheating in a dating relationship should signal the termination of said relationship. In my mind, there's just not enough of a commitment there to warrant the effort/therapy/heartache. There's also a part of me that thinks that if you'll cheat on me when we're totally still in the new-exciting phase and I'm not that old, then you'll really have a hard time staying in line when I'm old and have had a couple of kids.

Marital infidelity, however, is different in my mind. I would hope that despite the betrayal, anger, and sadness, I would not automatically end my marriage if my spouse cheated and wanted to attempt to repair the marriage. I've seen the type of despair that infidelity causes, but I've also admired the people I've watched who tried to keep their family together. And yes, I've seen some of those same people ultimately get a divorce, but they had the peace of mind that they tried to save their marriage and did everything they could to fulfill the commitment they made. While the commitment of marriage makes the discretion worse, it also warrants more reflection than "you cheated, it's over." Granted, a spouse who isn't remorseful, isn't willing to try, and/or had so many affairs it's clear that he'll never change, may result in little reflection being needed. In short, life isn't as simple as I once tried to make it, and the dissolution of a marriage requires at least as much thought and prayer as any other major decision, regardless of the why. There are a lot of other caveats I want to throw out, but I'll resist. So here's the question: would your reaction to cheating in a dating relationship be different than your response if you were married and why?

Your Last Relationship.....

Failure? Or success? Was your last relationship either? Could it have been both? And if it ends, is it necessarily a failure?

I had always felt as if the ending of each relationship, particularly my engagement, was a failure. I suppose I have defined a successful relationship as one that lasts forever. About a year ago my friend Ryan mentioned an article in GQ magazine in which a celebrity discussed how he could not understand why his marriage, which is apparently coming to an end, is viewed as a failure (said celebrity is now playing house with Angelina Jolie). The actor said something to the effect that he rejected the idea that a relationship not being flawless or permanent renders it a failure--despite the beauty and honesty of the time two people had together.

I do not think that a marriage that ends in divorce as being successful. By its very definition, I think marriage is something that should last as long as the two who entered it live (with the exception of the Biblical exceptions—but even given those, you would not define that ending marriage as successful). I am, however, wondering if a dating relationship can be a success even if ultimately the two daters are not meant to have a permanent relationship. Prior to attempting to surrender my dating relationships to God (the first 26 years of my life), I would have voted that any relationship that doesn't make it "fails." Or at least it felt like failure (except for the ones in which I didn’t really care about the other person…I know—that’s sad).

Now I can see how a dating relationship could not result in marriage but still be a success. So what I'm thinking about now is why my view has changed. Off the top of my head, I think part of it is that I’m focusing more on what God wants (His plan) than my plan, which has often been based on what seems easiest or other faulty criteria. I also think that the way in which most of us date—“playing house” and practically living together (if not completely living together) and acting as if we’re married (basing all important decisions and social plans on the relationship) from a very early stage of the relationship is bound to lead to disappointment and feelings of failure. Even if you’re not having sex, if you’re together more days than not and spending the night together, you’re playing house and making it very difficult to let someone go if the relationship isn’t in God’s plan. Why not save some things for marriage?

So perhaps a successful dating relationship is one in which both people strive to treat the other as God instructs us to in the Bible and both have a respect for the other and for God that helps them set boundaries so that if the relationship ends, it feels less like divorce or failure or enormous disappointment and more like a relationship that honored and glorified God rather than our selfish desires for companionship, intimacy, and the like.

Marriage, MySpace, & the Ethical Dilemmas Posed by the Web

My latest random message on MySpace was entitled “Two Questions” and the body contained the following:

1) do you like married men?
2) are you available?
Yes, I am in the Macon area.

Hmm. Sounds like a real winner. Sure, this guy is clearly doing the wrong thing. I, of course, will not respond.

I think MySpace is super cheesy (especially all the MySpace editing), but as a result of MySpace, I’m having lunch with one of my best friends from high school this weekend; I haven’t seen or talked to her in over five years and she lives in Utah. That’s fun.

Initially when I joined MySpace, I just assumed it was something used by single people under 30. In fact, I felt a bit ridiculous joining it and Facebook. But as I’ve played around on MySpace, I’ve come to find that there are lots of married people who participate. And some are obviously looking to cheat on their spouses. What interests me is the blurry area. For example, is it wrong for a married man to send messages to a woman he doesn’t know and will never meet?

I recently faced a moral dilemma myself. Although I ultimately handled it in what I think was the right way, I’m not sure that initially I did so. Here is a brief summary of events: I dated a guy (we’ll call him Brian) for about four and half years when I was in high school and college. We haven’t seen each other since around January of 1998, and the last time we talked was about six years ago.

Fast forward to the present: Brian googled me, finding my work e-mail address. I was very excited to hear from him and wrote him back. He is happily married and is now a father! I have loved hearing about how successful he is and how things have really come together for him. I also wanted to share with him the ways my life has changed—especially why my life has changed since he and I were both agnostic when we dated.

While I immediately shared this correspondence with Donatello and even forwarded several of the e-mails to him, I wondered if Brian did the same with his wife. Was it my place to ask him? I deliberated about this a lot as I didn’t think it was right for him to e-mail me if his wife did not know about it. But was it right for me to be the moral police for his marriage? Should I even assume that he would fail to mention our correspondence to his wife? Plus I knew that my intentions were nothing more than to catch up, and selfishly I wanted to be able to do that. So I put it out of my mind briefly until Brian actually brought it up in his last e-mail. Brian just wanted me to know that he did not have any agenda in contacting me and that he had no regrets over where life had taken him. He affirmed that a friendship was his only interest, but that his wife did not know about our e-mailing and that he would probably keep it that way for now as she would not understand. Funny but in the next sentence he wrote “Please don’t think I’m the type of husband that hides things from his wife because I’m not!”

Although I didn’t want to do so, I wrote Brian back and explained that his marriage was more important and to be cherished more than any friendship he and I had or might develop. I explained that I wasn’t friends with married men whose wives were unaware of our friendship. I also plugged an awesome church near where they live….It was, however, tempting to cling to the idea that I was not (technically) doing anything wrong since I wasn’t married, and my intentions were “pure.” But I’m a big fan of the Golden Rule, and I was reminded of the verse that instructs us not to cause others to stumble.

Anyway, my point is that the Internet makes it so much easier to cross blurry lines….IMing people who you would never pick up the phone and call, e-mailing people you don’t really know, and getting in touch with people with whom you shouldn’t (at least without your spouse’s express permission and knowledge). As a person who has lots of friends of the opposite sex, I’m not sure what exact parameters a married couple should have (I’m sure it’s not easy), but it’s safe to say that if you would not be comfortable bccing your spouse on your correspondence, it’s probably not OK. Any thoughts?

"All Relationships are Controlled By the Person Who Cares Least"

Hmm…ran across this quote today, and it rang true. I’ve certainly been in relationships with an imbalance of feelings (writing the word “power” was my first instinct; that is telling, isn’t it?). Can a relationship be healthy if the members of it are on different pages? For example, if one person wants to spend more time together than the other. Or if one person wants to get married and the other hasn’t thought about it, is that relationship necessarily unhealthy? Because in that situation, the person who does not want to spend as much time together or get married has the “control.” Unless, of course, the person wanting to spend more time together or get married sets an ultimatum. Shouldn’t having to set an ultimatum be a sign?

But when you’re the person who cares the most, it’s a most desperate of feelings. And when you’re the person who cares the least, it can be hard not to abuse that situation. It’s sad to see how we treat people when they let us. Alright, just my random thought of the day. Oh, a semi-related quote from Matchbox 20: “Be my savior, and I’ll be your downfall.” That’s a promise which could easily be kept.