Friday, February 29, 2008

You Can't Win...

and I guess I can't either. It seems to be that time again. The time when a bad mood elevates to a funk, and I can't seem to shake it. And a part of me doesn't even want to shake it. I want to wallow in it. I want to get take-out, wear my pajamas, and not come out of my shell for a few days. Life, however, has a different plan as I have a roommate, which means I cannot be alone as I desperately desire to be. And Carter is coming into town this afternoon.

Sigh. He really can't win. At least a quarter of what he's said to me in the last 48 hours has gotten on my nerves, which I find irritating as I know that normally the things he's saying wouldn't bother me at all. And I could easily write a ten page brief on why I should quit dating him despite the fact that earlier in the week I could not have produced one page without a good bit of stretching.

This reminds me a bit of when I was 18 (and listening to entirely too much Pearl Jam, Alanis Morissette, Fiona Apple, and Counting Crows) and on the wave of emotions that seemed to dictate each day. One day I thought my boyfriend was the best thing ever, and then the next day if he didn't show up with flowers or call when I thought he was going to....bam--I was angry or sad. Or I'd get drunk and manufacture some conflict. Drama, drama, drama. So while I'm glad those days are long behind me, I find it ironic that now I am not fighting this funk with more vigor.

Ah anyway, so here's my thoughts as written in my journal last night:

I really need to talk to God and try to submit what I don’t want to submit. And ask for help even though I clearly want to wallow in this a bit and hold onto it instead of reaching out for what He has for me, which is infinitely better and more joyous and eternally satisfying than what I’m aiming for. How can He be so incredibly patient?


p.s. I'm grateful that although in a funk, I can remember how I normally feel and not succumb to these feelings. I'm also glad for Fiji water, which I think may cure my mood.

13 comments:

ella said...

It may also be a good idea to ask God to help you hold your tongue when Carter is around. That's the part I have the most trouble with when I have my cranky pants on.

I was particularly bad this week when I managed to send nasty grams every day to our accounting department. I warned my boss in case he got any calls about it. LOL

icadle said...

Caution, Fiji water should not be confused with holy water...

Clearlykels said...

Oh my gosh! Ally, I'm exactly where you are. Exactly, and I'm writing a post about it. The UPS man opened the door too loudly and it took everything I had not to glare and him. I managed. My sister asked me to print something and I wanted to tell her no. I just want to hide. I just want a big glass of wine and a massage to get these knots that are culminating in my shoulders.

I'm sorry you're in a funk, but I'm glad that I'm not the only one. I'll think of you while I'm hiding alone in my apartment later!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Aways remember-" This too shall pass". In this case probably in a few hours or day. Dr. RJJ

Ys said...

sorry to hear you're in a funk :/ i hope it passes soon. unfortunately all you can do is ride it out and hope carter doesn't hold it against you. my boyfriend is usually very good when i'm cranky :) *hugs*

ps: a bit of wallowing never hurt anyone. so you try and wallow for a bit, even if it's only for a few hours.

Libba Lemon said...

Some friends & I were having this exact discussion over margaritas last week, loathing THE FUNK and all of its manifestations in our lives. My friend Molly made a great point which was that by wallowing & flat out not shaking it, we confirm our rebellious nature and (generally fairly quickly) rediscover our desperate need to be rescued - which is, coincidentally, the first step up out of it.

In my world, the wallowing-resistance is what really keeps me a) in the funk and b) from him. I have to ferociously fight the lie that I'm capable of saving myself.

His patience is mind-boggling!

Thanks for sharing.

Libba Lemon said...

PS-I'm sure you figured this, but by him I meant God.

Still just me said...

Sometimes it is good to wallow in the funk, but give it a time period. After your "wallow time" is up, go out and enjoy the day.

Ally said...

SJM: I know what you mean--and I think my wallowing time is up!

LL: I think you're absolutely right about wallowing-resistance and what it does. Thanks for your comment.

Ys: So far he seems pretty patient and understanding. Thanks!

RJJ: I think of that phrase often; it's a good reminder.

clearkels: We're absolutely in the same place; hope your weekend is looking up.

ivy: Ha ha. Duly noted.

Ella: "Cranky pants"--ha ha. Nice. And yes prayers for holding my tongue are definitely in order--good suggestion.

Kimberly said...

I hope you had a good weekend too..and escaped the funk. I have to fight those nasty mood invasions a lot. I think church helps me get out of my funk quite often. Or just doing something meaningful. I loved what you said in your journal about God's patience....so true. If only we could learn to be so patient with ourselves and each other!

AaroN said...

I wrote this nice long reply and Blogger bombed it. (Internet connection tanked.)

Anyway -- might we consider that this negativity is not entirely your fault as The Great Deceiver may be placing these thoughts in your head to drive a wedge between you and others (esp Carter). Perhaps we need to alter our prayer a bit to include that possiblity?

Ally said...

Kimberly: Worship on Sunday definitely helped the funk as did my pastor's sermon on judgment. When I get in a funk I tend to become much more judgmental and critical, so it was good to listen to scripture that reminded me that I'm not called to judge or condemn.

Aaron: I think you're on to something:)

allbilly said...

If you'd have been listening to Nirvana...you could have smelled the teen spirit...i love me some smell of teen spirit