Thursday, December 15, 2005

"All Relationships are Controlled By the Person Who Cares Least"

Hmm…ran across this quote today, and it rang true. I’ve certainly been in relationships with an imbalance of feelings (writing the word “power” was my first instinct; that is telling, isn’t it?). Can a relationship be healthy if the members of it are on different pages? For example, if one person wants to spend more time together than the other. Or if one person wants to get married and the other hasn’t thought about it, is that relationship necessarily unhealthy? Because in that situation, the person who does not want to spend as much time together or get married has the “control.” Unless, of course, the person wanting to spend more time together or get married sets an ultimatum. Shouldn’t having to set an ultimatum be a sign?

But when you’re the person who cares the most, it’s a most desperate of feelings. And when you’re the person who cares the least, it can be hard not to abuse that situation. It’s sad to see how we treat people when they let us. Alright, just my random thought of the day. Oh, a semi-related quote from Matchbox 20: “Be my savior, and I’ll be your downfall.” That’s a promise which could easily be kept.


Anonymous said...

Isn't there a song(I beleive by Ben Folds) about this? I think it's called "Battle of Who Can Care Less"? I could be wrong(that's happened once or twice before). I agree with you for the most part, Allison; It has been my experience that most relationshops often display an imbalance of "power", or one person has invested more into it than the other. I tend to think that the more healthy relationships are the ones where both people involved are equally intrigued/excited/interested in their partner, almost to the point where they get an insatiable feeling being around one another. But perhaps I'm being to idealistic, which is why I'm still single! Keep up the good work, I thoroughly enjoy reading your thoughts!

poot said...
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poot said...

the standard way to classify your relationship role, i guess, is as a lover or a beloved. the lover cares more and works harder; the beloved sponges it up and relaxes. in some situations, this can work well; a sensitive beloved who genuninely cares for his/her partner; paired with a self-posessed lover who goes the extra mile for selfish reasons- ie, for pleasure, not out of desperation.

i'm used to being the beloved, but suddenly in my current "situationship", i'm the lover, and the role reversal is an interesting phenomenon. i've never had this status in a relationship; i'm a big suck for this dude. it's not terrible; i'm not miserable, it's obvious that he genuinely does care about me, and he's certainly not mean. i just work harder, and it's not necessarily because he's so great, but probably because he's a bit aloof.

anyway, at the end of the day, i know this one's not worth trying to work out in the long run. but it's certainly been illumintating to see how i am in this situation- in a way it was great, because for the first time ever, i argue fair. i can be a bit of a dragon lady sometimes, and with this guy i'm VERY gracious in a disagreement, which is way better. all i have to do is transplant that into a situation where I AM THE MASTER OF THE RELATIONSHIP (insert demonic laugh and lighting bolts) and all will be well again.

i suppose all i'm saying is that any tolerable situation can be an opportunity to learn more about yourself and how you function in a relationship, all you have to do is have a mindset towards making lemonade.

kimberly said...

hey allison,
I liked this post. It makes me think of how God must feel when he's always the one loving us the most. I let him down a thousand times a day, but he still loves me. "love is patient, love is kind, love is not self-seeking" - it just goes to show I have a lot to learn about love. Speaking of God loving us more - Merry Christmas!