Tuesday, May 06, 2008

K-I-S-S-I-N-G

Slowly but surely I'm learning how to date in a way that is (hopefully) glorifying to God--and surprise surprise--much more healthy and balanced for me. Over the past ten years I have often chosen to learn lessons in this arena the hard way--from buying a house with someone I wasn't married to to dating a guy who told me he was a better looking man that I am a woman (Who thinks/says stuff like that? But more important who puts up with it? Yes, me.). I've lacked boundaries, wisdom, and the desire to seek God first. And not surprisingly I've created a lot of unnecessary heartache and drama and spent about eight years of my life in relationships that were ill-advised in many ways.

One of the areas I've made the most mistakes in is the physical realm, and just in the last few months I have been learning more about how mistaken I've been. I've always thought of myself as being more like a stereotypical guy when it comes to physical stuff, believing that I am objective and that kissing and whatnot did not interfere or influence feelings. In my mind kissing was simply fun and light-hearted and just not a big deal at all.

So I started dating Carter in November, and by our fifth date he had still not kissed me--which was a first for me. Frankly it was weird to me, and I was curious as what was going on in his head and wondering all sorts of things (i.e What's wrong with him? When is he going to kiss me? Now it's going to be a big deal when we finally do kiss. I don't want our first kiss to be on New Year's Eve and so forth).

But somewhere along the way I discovered that I liked not kissing! I was so clear-headed. I wasn't distracted or wondering when we were going to make out next. I was just listening to him, and his desire to see me again had nothing to do with the physical. So after seven dates of not kissing, I became a proponent of not kissing at all. Yes, I realize that seems absolutely crazy, but it's yet another reminder of the powerful nature of transformation. Seriously--the shock of liking not kissing is just now rubbing off; it's really amazing to me that I could like not having that as a part of a dating relationship since the physical aspect of a relationship was always a priority for me in the past.

Carter finally kissed me on our eighth date, but I am still grateful that a foundation for our relationship was laid before that happened; and I sometimes think I'd like to go back to not kissing because of the benefits mentioned above. Don't get me wrong--I love kissing Carter and could do it for hours (and have), but part of me thinks "I want to make wise decisions about dating; it's easier to do that without distraction and with a clear head, and if we are right for each other, we can kiss for years after we get married." Of course, the other part of me feels whiny and short-sighted and thinks about how much I've already "given up" and thinks "I really like kissing and shouldn't be such a teetotaler type."

p.s. I'm grateful for the cupcake Sarah bought me this afternoon and the "get a free drink" card my barista gave me this morning at Starbucks.

17 comments:

Clearlykels said...

Wow, 8 dates. I'm glad you love the way you're experiencing dating Carter.

Accidentally Me said...

I agree...that seems absolutely crazy...lol.

But there is no magic formula for all of this. So, whatever works for you, go with it!

ella said...

Only kissing for hours? You are a better women than I, or at least one with more self control.

brandiandboys said...

Thanks for the heads up on Gigi's, I had heard about it recently, but it had slipped my mind. I'll have to run by there and get some ideas.

justrun said...

I think the idea of a foundation is the part that sticks most. People undervalue that.

P.S. Thanks for visiting my blog. :)

Ys said...

i had to wait 'til the end of the second date and thought that was too long ;) why didn't you kiss him first, though?

Ally said...

Ys: I like for the guy to be the pursuer--he can ask me out, initiate the first kiss, propose, etc. That's what feel most comfortable to me.

Ella: Definitely not a "better woman." This has really been a God thing--not an Ally thing; I never could have made these changes on my own.

AM: You're absolutely right about there not being a magic formula, although sometimes I wish there were one.

Seized by Hope said...

Well girl, you have put quite a bit out there in this post. I find myself wishing for a table at Starbuck's where I could see your eyes as I respond to some of it.

But alas, I am relegated to to this little box for responding, and so I will say that I do love reading that you are allowing yourself to enjoy kissing and not kissing without having to categorize things into "good" or "bad" in this arena. Blessings on your man for making it safe for you to enjoy kissing without fearing where it will lead. Sounds like he is may be a "keeper".

Scotty said...

Wow. 8th?

This reminded me of a show I watched where the husband and wife's first kiss was the day they got married.

Now, that may be a bit far off :)

Ally said...

Scotty: I just don't think I'd want my first kiss to be in front of an audience!

Seized by Hope: It is wonderful to date someone who has the same beliefs and boundaries that I do.

Jennifer said...

This guy sounds like someone who longs to protect your heart. It speaks highly of his character and integrity that he cares enough about you to want to get to know you on a deeper level first before he shared such a special interaction. Sounds like you two are learning some great things together. Cherish these times! (o:

B said...

ah buying a house with someone your not married to been there did that and bought him out so it's all mine now!

and I'm grateful for that! :)

icadle said...

have you been too busy making out to post anything?

Pete Wilson said...

Love this post Ally. SO, very true! Thanks for being so transparent.

Mr. Guinness said...

So you've been to Destin,....my "hometown" next time you're down ask for "the guinness guy" at Buster's been there everyday but Christmas for almost ten years between 4:30 and 6 pm. (What civilized person skips Happy Hour!
Enjoy the blog!
Mr. Guinness

cdp said...

I have to agree with Ella about your self control. VERY impressive!

Rachel said...

Yes. Sometimes shying away from the physical leaves us much more clear headed. Even though, like you, it took us numerous dates before "the kiss". But it definitely changes things. I'm glad he was the one because after that, I didn't have lick of common sense in my decision making. That kiss glazed over my eyes....and my brain....lol

To answer your question, I told him about the fleece I had laid before God the day I came out to my car after work and found a dozen pink roses lying in my car seat. I knew, and I was busting at the seems to let him in on my little secret. He was, but wasn't shocked. He said he already knew I was the one....I was the one who needed "proof". But he did admit it was kinda cool that God would oblige by request.

He proposed to me on New Year's Eve under the gazebo at a really beautiful local park with a lake with ducks right next to us. We were married 4 months later. We just didn't have much patience to be together. Thanks for stopping by my blog!