Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Fifth Date

My ex-boyfriend Sampras often calls me for dating and relationship advice, which is sort of funny since our lifestyle and values are so different now. It makes me feel good that he values my opinion, and I hope that maybe some of my advice will be taken to avoid him leaving even more women in his wake. His life seems like a sad mess to me, and he often brings women into the muck (and I definitely wallowed in it with him for entirely too long).

He went on his fifth date with a girl on Sunday, and she asked him "Don't you think it's sort of odd that this is our fifth date and all we've done is kiss?"

Crazy (and sort of sad) that she would be surprised that kissing is all that has happened so far (especially since all of their dates have been weeknight outings). Frankly I'm surprised she said that, if for no other reason than because it makes it sound like she's usually doing a lot more in just four dates and that just seems like something you wouldn't want to suggest. But then again at least she's being honest.

So I'm curious. Is it really that unusual for people to only kiss in the first five dates? Even when I dated a lot differently than I do now, my dates usually didn't kiss me until the second or third date, so it certainly wasn't remotely unusual to "only" be kissing in the first five dates.

p.s. I'm grateful that my niece Alaina met my friend Isabella and her adorable dog. We had dinner with her tonight, and Alaina tried a California roll, shrimp roll, and edamame. And she liked them!


Scotty said...

when I dated a lot differently than I do now
How did you date?

Ally said...

I think I dated in a more "normal" (for our culture) way. I wasn't seeking to glorify God, placed a higher value on the physical part of the relationship, and wasn't looking for a relationship of which I wanted Christ to be the center. I didn't have as many physical and emotional boundaries either.

AA said...


(I don't know what else to say.)

Ys said...

Sounds like he's dating the type of girls I used to know. They move fast. I assumed everyone did these days; I thought I was the only one who didn't behave that way. It's nice to hear you're shocked as well, makes me feel more normal :)

Accidentally Me said...

Um...um...um...yea...see...but I...um...yea...

Like five real dates?

anne said...

I don't like to think that anything is odd or not odd or normal or whatever. I would hope that 2 people do what is right for them and take it at a pace that feels good for their limits and what they want from the situation. I am guessing if she is asking if it is normal than she does not think so.

Ally said...

AM: It's been like five dinner dates...since it's been Tuesday and Wednesday nights they've just done dinner.

Anne: Yeah, she told him that she thought it was "odd." She made a comment that implied that their lack of physical interaction made her feel like they didn't have the best "connection."

ella said...

How does Sampras feel about this? Does he want to do more than kiss? If not then they might not be compatible as she is clearly seeking more.

Pam said...

I think if she is asking if it is "odd" than she must be looking for more. How does this make Sampras feel?
I think everyone has there own pace with relationships.

Ally said...

Ella: Sampras likes the girl, and when he really likes someone and sees relationship potential he tends to move slower when it comes to the physical stuff. He didn't seem bothered by her comment though.

Pam: Sampras doesn't seem to really care about the comment, but I think part of the reason is because he's got another "thing" going with someone else. It's a mess.

Lib said...

i have no credibility in this matter, as i feel exceedingly out of touch with what the rest of the world does. too many variables. i largely grew up in the whole "christian dating scene," and the fad back then was "courting." the REALLY spiritual and good people didn't even kiss until they got married, which i think is utterly atrocious.

i have that view, and then i have the viewpoint of my brother, whom i would call sexually licensious (sp?) and seems to enjoy the "one-night-stand." frankly, i have NO idea what is normal in these situations.

chris didn't kiss me at all until at least our fifth date, and the whole time i was wondering what was taking him so damn long.

ash said...

happy Thursday!

dating is something I'm not too familar with considering I'm 16.

I know people that the first time they ever kissed was at their wedding. yea... wow.


Seized by Hope said...

Normal....seems to be completely relative.

What is normal? Who decides? Is that even the point?

I guess I find myself wondering where personal dignity and worth collide with offering your body to someone.

Unfortunately it seems fairly "normal" to forego such considerations and just do what feels good in the moment.

I wish someone would have asked me about my dignity and worth and whether or not I was considering them as I determined what was "normal" in my dating relationships

Ally said...

Lib: It's funny; I use to think the whole not kissing until marriage thing was absolutely insane, but I think I understand it now (not that I plan of following that plan:).

Ash: I think it's a very good thing that you're not that familiar with dating. I think dating in high school is a complete waste of time and energy.

Seized by Hope: Yeah, I wasn't looking to get into a conversation about what is normal. As for dignity and self worth, I wonder if those things are even tied to sex in most people's minds today. I think it's more about "being true to your desires" and "doing what feels right to you" and so on. It's only recently that I've begun to think about my value, etc. in terms of dating, and until the past few years no one ever suggested that I do so, which is sort of sad.

angel, jr. said...

Ummm, is she saying that they should have already closed the deal?
That is an odd issue to bring up while on a date.

Ally said...

Angel: Yeah, that's what I thought. Just an odd thing to say.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like she is looking for a booty call.

I changed my url but everything else is the same. flatcokeandflies.blogspot.com

allbilly said...

I think she fits the mass "normal" and that it is weird to have only kissed after 5 dates if you are over the age of 18.

Actually...judging by the number of pregnant juveniles I see in courts....it's probably NORMAL under the age of 18.

Each person has their own view of reality, right/wrong, etc.

I'm in AM's camp on this one.

TC said...


Um, it's been so long for me since I've had a traditional date that I'm not sure I can really speak to this one with fairness.

However... if "only kissing" is a quick peck and then gone, I see her problem with it. If they are involved actually kisses? She's either worried that he doesn't find her attractive because the losers before him pushed, pushed, pushed OR she's just looking for the physical aspect only.

I don't see anything wrong with five dates and "only kissing."

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