Monday, July 14, 2008

A Little White Lie?

While I was was sick and sitting at home most of the 4th of July weekend, I decided to take Match up on its three day free trial (again:) Generally three days of online dating every few years is enough to remind me of why it's not for me.

So last night I met "Tim" at my church for the evening service. Afterwards we went to dinner and a movie. We chatted with some guys after church, and one of them asked us how we met. He told them that we had met through friends, which is obviously not true.

We talked about it when we got in the car, and he's just not comfortable with people knowing that he's using Match. I told him that I'm not much of one for lying and that it makes me uncomfortable. I told him a "lawyeresque" (a la Clinton) answer to the query of "how we met" could be "we have mutual friends." This is actually true; we know a number of the same people. Of course, if someone presses on how we actually met, this answer would not suffice and/or would lead to lying. I'm not really a fan of this type of reply either; I tend to, if anything, be too honest.

I understand that there's still a (seemingly slight) stigma attached to online dating, and I can see why someone wouldn't want to advertise to the world that he's on Match. On the flip side, I don't think we should do things that we're ashamed of and feel a need to lie about.

I also think he looks at least a few years older than the age he put on his profile:) So perhaps he's being dishonest about that too....Otherwise I had a good time....I'd give the date a 7 on my scale.

p.s. I'm grateful to have the sermon/reflection I gave at church behind me. While it's wonderful to share the gospel and the important work being done at PTM with people, speaking from a pulpit to 200 or more people is not my forte.


ella said...

6.5 rounded up is a 7?

Do you sign up with a different email account everytime you use the 3 day free trial on match? ;P

Ally said...

I actually decided that a 6.5 wasn't high enough (after I looked at my scale), so I bumped it up to 7. We had some good conversations and a lot in common.

I think I've used the same e-mail account each time. I've not intentionally changed anything; and Match keeps offering!

Scotty said...

I like your scale, and the mutual friends idea.

anne said...

I think you are on to something. One lie could easily lead to other lies. If your gut says he is not being truthful - he probably is not.

Accidentally Me said...

Oh that is a bad start...he is ashamed of Match? It bothers me that he would lie about it, but it also bothers me that he would even care about it. He is worried about what some people that you go to church with might think...? I dunno...that just doesn't sit well.

And when you say he looks, how much?

Jennifer said...

I wonder why he would feel shame about using an online dating service. Stigma or not, it's really just another way to meet people.

I love that you told him you weren't comfortable lying. The fact that he wanted to cover something up sounds a bit shady to me. Maybe he'll rethink honesty?

Glad it was a fun date anyway. (o:

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the comment. I am not really "new" to blogging - just starting over again, but I really appreciate the encouragement!

As I read this post I had to laugh. Forgive us men - sometimes stigma is so great we cannot get past it. I feel like you made a good decision here.

I look forward to hearing what else you have to say.

Until next time,


AA said...

...or you could be over-analyzing again. ;)

Aaron # 1

Lib said...

chris and i met on the internet, on a CHEESY christian website:
we were actually going to the same church, were in the same young adults group, were both in the military, both in the medical field, both being mentored by our pastor/pastor's wife. but we still met online. how's that for hilarious.

i'm YAY for meeting people online. it worked out for, praise God, and if people poke fun at you for doing it, they're just haters.:) always makes for a great story.

there's much lower things you could do. you could go on The Bachelor. let's keep things in perspective:).

good luck in your online dating adventures. and way to stick to your guns on the lying thing.

oh---btw, was thinking of you earlier should see the movie Into The Wild, and then you need to check out the soundtrack. it was all done by Eddie Veder...very soulful, very folky. i think you'll dig it, seeing that you're a Pearl Jam junkie and we tend to agree on music tastes!!

Lib said...

oh yeah...looked at your scale.


and, The Last Kiss is one of my favorite movies. i think it sparks great conversation. plus, the soundtrack is dope.

Ally said...

Lib: I just heard about Christiancafe for the first time the other day; you and your husband have a great story. How funny. I'll definitely put that movie and soundtrack on the list. Thanks for the recommendation.

AA: Entirely possible. I'll have to share the other info I have with you (that I don't want to put on the blog).

Aaron: Thanks!

Jennifer: Shady is a good word for how it felt. His whole take on online dating (i.e. he said it was more of an "ego thing") seemed off to me.

AM: Like at least 3-4 years older. I just have a hard time believing he's 31. And yes--the caring what people think is also bothersome.

Anne: You're intuition is almost always right.

Scotty: The scale is useful!

Anonymous said...

I don't think I've ever been in a conversation where online dating is looked down upon. What type of stigma goes with it? I just don't see it embarassing. I've got a friend who tells me she has almost worked up the nerve to use I told her if I were ever single I'd be on there every night!! ha

Susanna Rose said...

"I understand that there's still a (seemingly slight) stigma attached to online dating, and I can see why someone wouldn't want to advertise to the world that he's on Match. On the flip side, I don't think we should do things that we're ashamed of and feel a need to lie about."

Oh how true this husband and I know all about the stigma attached to online dating...although thankfully it was more when we were dating that people looked at us like we had two heads! I'm with you though that at the end of the day, you want to be with a person who can just confidently state the truth that "we met online" or whatever and not care what others might think. That's the way my husband is and I'm glad for that. He's comfortable in his skin!:)

Ys said...

I didn't know there was still a stigma attached to it! I thought it was the same as using a dating service in the real world, so to speak. I know SO many people who've met online! Tell him he's too old to behaving in such a way ;)

Ally said...

Ys: Seriously! I know lots of (cool) people who have too.

Susanna Rose: Oh congratulations on your beautiful daughter!! I would imagine couples like you and your husband have helped give online dating a better reputation:)

FC&F: I've noticed the negative attitude more in younger people and people who live in small towns. I think some people think it seems "desperate."

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