Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Sad But So Grateful

One of the reasons this break-up has been so much easier than those in the past is because of my faith and how it has changed how I interact in relationships. For years the center of my life was me, and at times, my boyfriends became part of that center too. My attitude and mood vacillated in sync with these relationships, and it was incredibly painful when I had to let go of this central part of my life--gut wrenching, sobbing, cannot focus at work sort of anguish. It's the sort of pain that produces really powerful and moving lyrics ("Black" and "Anna Begins" come to mind) and poetry but is so unnecessary.

And as I adjust to the loss of this relationship with Carter, I cannot help but also feel overwhelmed with gratitude for my relationship with Christ Jesus. This relationship has transformed my life and has given me a center that is faithful, certain, unfailing, and hopeful. I can submit my disappointment to Him; I can trust that He has a plan for me; and my life isn't turned upside down by a break-up because my life has been centered around God instead of Carter or myself.

Here's the you tube video that has been wrecking me lately....I love reading and hearing about how Christ is transforming others' lives, and this video presents people's "cardboard testimonies." Feel free to share yours too.

Mine is:

First side: Didn't realize I was lost and broken
Flip side: Grateful and joyous to know Him

p.s. I'm thankful for the late night walk home from dinner with my friend Isabella. It's great to live close enough to restaurants to walk to them, and the weather was perfect for dining outside.


Scotty said...

my life isn't turned upside down by a break-up because my life has been centered around God instead of Carter or myself.
Do you think a big part of this is 'life experience'? Or maybe moreso your experience there in TN?

Ally said...

I don't think general life experience would have so radically changed my pattern of romantic relationships (I had several awful break-ups that didn't seem to clue me in over a period of years). My relationship with Christ has transformed so much of me, so I attribute this change to that rather than life experience.

This year in Nashville has helped me get to know God more, so I think the more I know Him, the more I trust Him. Of course, that trust makes it easier to make Him the center of my life.

DEb said...

I am sorry to hear of your break-up (Lord knows I've been THERE only at the time it was WITHOUT JESUS-UG!)with Carter....but HAPPY to hear of your relationship with God. If only more peeps would read your blog-this would help them greatly! I love the way you "shine" with Him! I'll be praying for you and KNOWING God has some special plans for you!

My sign:

BROKEN by the "The One I Knew I was Going To Marry"....

FIXED by THE ONE - Jesus Christ!

Ys said...

For years the center of my life was me, and at times, my boyfriends became part of that center too. My attitude and mood vacillated in sync with these relationships

Wow, that was so me before I found God as well! I look back and wonder how I could have let myself get so hysterical when I can see now - and know for the future - that everything happens for a reason and that God has a plan for me.

It's so great to hear someone else feel the same way :)

ella said...

I really want to work on getting there. I am so glad that you are coping so well with this breakup. Let me know if you ever want to talk.

Lib said...

i think that hard things like this seem to expose the true substance of our faith. when i'm disappointed or when i feel that life blows up in my face, i usually find that my faith isn't quite strong enough to hold me in the way i wish it would. i never tend to figure out how strong or weak it is until my life depends on it.

I'm glad you're experiencing that your faith is subtantial enough to carry you through...that He is enough to carry you through. sorry about your break-up.

allbilly said...

scotty's comment about life experience led me to pose this question....

is a relationship with a mystical figure not just a relationship with one's self?

Ally said...

Billy: If you look at the definition of the word mystical, you'll see it doesn't define the God of the Bible. He's not obscure, cryptic, or unintelligible to the intelligence or senses.

You and I have had these conversations before, so I'm not going to try to convince you otherwise; all I can offer you is my experience, and I can tell you that my God is not made in my image. The way He has worked in my life has been outside of my imagination, ability, or desire, so there's no doubt in my mind that the transformation is supernatural.

Ally said...

Deb: I love your testimony--and that you shared it here for others to read.

Ys: Seriously! How did we manage to get so worked up?

Ella: Will do. I miss you.

Lib: I think sadness and pain can be so distracting. It's easy for me to think so much about my feelings that I start to lose sight of God. It's definitely an ongoing journey and not something we'll ever completely accomplish.

samuel davis said...

Transformation is the part of life. I can simply say that everyone experiences God’s love in their stipulated time not just for relationship, but might be for some other reasons too. We can find the true relationship with the God only.

AA said...

We all could learn a valuable lesson from your relationship with Carter. I know you did.

Seized by Hope said...


No commentary from me on the break-up. Any words there would just stain the beauty of what you've written in this post.

To find that YOU are not the "center" of the universe is freeing and exhilirating and worth celebrating.

Here's to your gratefulness and joy...

I hope that the days and weeks ahead are filled with more moments like you experienced walking home from dinner with your friend.

B said...

where was this post 4 months ago!

love it

brandy said...

So well said Ally. It's funny, when you hear of someone's break up, the first words out of someone's mouth are usually 'i'm so sorry'- for some reason after reading this post those words don't feel like the right ones to say. Of course, I'm sorry that you and Carter have discovered that you don't fit together the way you both need to, but it seems that the lessons you've gotten from this, from the way you've expressed yourself make saying 'sorry' seem not right.

It sounds like you've been blessed, in many ways to have spent your time with someone who has allowed you to learn so much about yourself. And also, to have been so open- so self aware to allow yourself to learn so much about yourself. I'm pretty sure this comment isn't making sense at all, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you- and that if the world dealt with break ups like you do- we would all be better off. I'm going to take a page from you, I think my dear- and count my blessings instead of my misfortunes.

ash said...

front: scared, wasn't willing to move forward.
back: confident, school bible leader, worship leader at 16.

thanks for this post. --ash

Anonymous said...

I found this video about 4 weeks ago on a friends blog, I watched it probably 5 times in a row. Since then, I have watched it at least 2 to 3 times a week. I have no clue what it is, but when I watch it, I tend to feel weak and broken, with this small ounce of faith that seems to always overcome.

front: concerned only with my own self and worldly worth
back: broken for the hurting and confused of this world.

Ally said...

Vagabondrunn: I've watched this several times too, and it's serving as a wonderful reminder to me of our Savior's grace and power. I love your "cardboard testimony." Thanks for sharing.

Brandy: I appreciate your comment, and you're right. I have been so blessed by the relationship with Carter; he has been a safe, forgiving, and healing part of my life for the last 7 months. Look forward to hearing about the wedding:)

Ash: Sounds like some very exciting changes.

B: Thanks!

AA: Definitely. A lot.

Seized by Hope: That is one of my hopes too. Thank you.

Samuel Davis: It is all in God's timing.