Thursday, December 18, 2008

Dating Advice Please

Ok to recap....Oliver and I have been friends since August, have been on a couple of dates, and usually chat during the week at least once or twice. We're definitely not in a relationship but moved beyond friendship right about Thanksgiving.

Last week our mutual friend asked me if I was getting him a gift. It hadn't even occured to me to do so, but once she mentioned it I start thinking about it. I wish he had a big sweet tooth, and I could just make something nice like Lib's tiramisu; but alas he's not into sweets. So....(1) Do you think I should get him a gift? I think it'd be awkward to give him a gift if he's not gotten one for me. So I'm tempted to get something, and then if he gives me a gift then I'll give it to him. That may seem sort of weird, but I think it's important for a girl to not act more interested in a guy than vice versa (which is one of the reasons I don't ask guys out usually).

(2) If I get him something, what should it be? He's really into music, but he also has more than 5,000 songs, so I can't exactly go get a CD for him and avoid duplicating what he already has. He downloads illegally, which I've teased him about, so I could get him an itunes card. I sort of think that seems impersonal though. But a shirt or scarf or something like that seems generic and aren't things I could get excited about. He loves books and reading, but we've both talked about how our to-be-read stack of books is out of control. And he already has a mullet I'm fresh out of ideas. So share yours!

Oh, one thought....he has a quote from Walden on his Facebook wall, but he's never read Walden (which is one of my favorite books). So despite his stack of books to be read, I wonder if that might be a good idea, especially since we've been trading back Dead Poet's Society quotes for the last few weeks.

p.s. I'm grateful for the fact that I'm only working two days next week and get to hang out with my family in a really relaxed way.


ella said...

I think Walden is a safe, yet thoughtful gift to give this early on in the relationship.

anne said...

I don't think the i-tunes card is that impersonal especially if you have teased him about it.

But for other suggestions...what about a home cooked meal? Or even other home made things - that are not sweets. Like nuts fruits. Does he drink? A nice bottle of something...or some good coffee or teas. And basically all I have are food related items.

HappyascanB said...

What exactly is the step between friendship and relationship? Just wondering. . . .

I like the Walden idea b/c you know he loves reading, y'all have discussed Walden and how he's not read any, etc. A nice, classic hard back would be a special gift ~ something he could cherish for a while!

And I'd already decided while reading that I was going to recommend buying something "just in case" ~ Good idea!!

Aaron said...

Advice: Be real.

If you're only buying him a gift because you think he's going to buy one, then you're not buying for the right reason. You're buying to protect your pride.

So buy him a gift, or not, but don't "play the game".

TC said...

I have to side with Aaron on this one. There's no shame in buying him something even if he doesn't get you something. The point of giving a gift is to show someone you were thinking about them and that you care. As to how much you care - that remains to be seen.

If you do, I say the book sounds like a fabulous idea. Other ideas might be something that reminds you of your time spent together as friends. Something small, like an ornament of a coffee mug or something if you go for coffee a lot (which I think you do). Keep it light and airy and if he doesn't get you something, no big deal. You were out shopping and you saw it and thought of him: you'd do the same for any/all of your friends. (And hopefully that last statement is true.)

Ys said...

I agree: buy him a gift cos you want to not cos you think he might be getting you one. I kind of sit back and stare in wonder at the "rules of dating". I've never known them and wouldn't know how to follow them if I did! ;)

Go with what your guts saying. Does he collect anything in particular? That's always a safe place to start.

DEb said... have some really great advice here!! LOVE YOUR PEEPS! And I totally agree with all of them! Let your heart rule then there are no games.

On a side note, if you're on facebook, look me up and add me-I couldn't find you.
Debbie Sutt Allen Surdyke, that's my full name.

Ally said...

Ella: I think you're right.

Anne: I generally think in terms of food stuffs too:)

Happyascanb: The step between friendship and a relationship in my mind is going on a few dates. There's been no DTR, but things are not strictly platonic either.

Aaron: Hmm. I'm still thinking about what you wrote, but I think that if what I'm talking about is considered game playing that I'm ok with that. I plan to buy the book b/c I'd like to give it to him....but we'll see when I actually give it to him.

TC: I agree that there's absolutely no shame in buying someone a gift and him not giving me one. But at the same time we haven't been dating long, and I really prefer for the guy to set the tone of things.

Ys: I've got my own set of rules....which are basically what I think is wise or best based on my previous experience and my faith, etc.

Deb: Oh, I am not a fan of doing whatever my heart wants at all! My heart often wants things that are not profitable or wise.

I'll look you up now!

Jennifer said...

I like Aaron's advice. And the book or even that movie if he doesn't have it is a great idea. (o:

Anonymous said...

I like the book idea, too!

Anonymous said...

First time to read your blog...

I think a small iTunes gift card & the book would be a great gift. That way, if he does get you something, you have a gift, but if he doesn't get you anything - enjoy the iTunes card yourself and keep the book for a later date.

icadle said...

I think all of the above are great gift ideas and none of them make any sort of crazy statement or is way out of line.

I do like the flexibiliyt of the ituens card as expressed by Shannon though.

Thomas said...

You should make a certificate that permits him to an outing with you, redeemable when he wants.

Anonymous said...

I had known Mr. Wonderful about 10 days before Christmas. He knew I downloaded songs illegally, too, and got me an iTunes giftcard. It was thoughtful and I used it!

I think you should get him something. He obviously means something to you, and that's the point of gifts. To give to those you care about. I know you don't want him to feel bad if he didn't get you anything, but once again, it's not the point.

B said...


Yes you should get him something small I think that book is a great idea make sure you write something on the inside

and Merry Christmas and all the best for the new year

Cat_Chaser said...

If Oliver is a die-hard sports fan then get him his favorite team sports t-shirt/golf.

Lib said...

Alright--so, I'm not biased or anything, but clearly, books are ALWAYS the best way to go :)

Walden--could there be a more perfect gift? I don't care how big his stack of books is...I say you give him one more to add to the pile and tell him he better get reading!

I also think that you should give it to him regardless of whether or not he gives you something. The gift is a reflection of your wanting to bless him this Christmas--not a reflection of whether or not you should play it safe.


That's the word on the street.

If you get him Walden...make sure you inscribe it :)

Too bad he doesn't have a sweet tooth! That tiramisu would have been perfect.

Let us know how it goes! Oh, and Barnes&Noble has a great copy of Walden in their Classics section that is pretty inexpensive.

kathrynthomas said...

i didn't read the posts before this one, so if this is redundant, i apologize.

i say forget rather or not he is going to buy you a gift. if you feel prompted to buy oliver a gift, then do so. if not, that's cool too. i've never been a fan of doing things merely because they are expected.

that being said, it sounds like walden is both a safe (and at the same time, thoughtful) gift. he likes it, you love it, and the two of you have discussed it.

that's my two cents. let me know how it goes.

KennethSF said...

If I were him, I'd love to have a rare edition of Walden. You could fairly easily find one of those in a used bookstore. I believe it also solves your first dilemma: The gift is not too sentimental or suggestive, so you won't risk appearing too eagar.

But if you choose to give him Lady Chatterly's Lover or Tropic of Cancer, you'd better be prepared to deal with the consequences ;-)

Brandy said...

I think get him Walden and give it to him regardless of if he gets you something. Why? Glad you asked, here are my reasons...

1. A gift is about the thought. You've already thought about getting him a gift so why pretend that you haven't?
2. Walden shows that you've paid attention but that you aren't, you know, stalking him or declaring love to him by giving him a book of your favourite love poems.
3. Books are always a good gift. Always.

Okay, but know that whatever you do- I'm going to want to hear all the details. Good luck with whatever you decide!!

Scotty said...

Easy... something small and thoughtful.

He likes music.. make him a mixed cd of songs you like, remind you of him, or remind you of things you have done together.

Easy, simple, cheap, extremely thoughtful.