Friday, January 19, 2007

5.9

My new date scoring system for ease of reference:

8-10: I hope he calls; another date would be fun.

5-7: I don't care if he calls, but if he does I'll go out again. After all, some people are nervous/not-themselves on first dates.

0-4: No way, no how, nowhere. If it was a 0, I wouldn't even return your phone calls and be nice about it because you must have been incredibly horrible. The rating of 0 has only been awarded once.

So the other weekend, I had to stick around Macon because I was coaching a local high school's mock trial team on Saturday from 10-1 (our team has since fallen through because they couldn't get enough students). It was a Friday night, and Aaron and I were chatting about his e-harmony adventures. I had gotten a free three day trial offer for Match.com, so I decided to put a profile up. Gosh, writing those things is time consuming. Aaron helped me fine-tune it, and voila, I was on Match.

And three days was enough. It's at least a part time job with the amount of time and effort that it requires. Plus I just don't think I'm going to meet the right person through online dating (that could be self-fulfilling prophecy though).

Of course, the men make it fairly easy to sort through their e-mails and profiles. 40 or older, shirtless pic, no photo, not a Christian/Protestant or Christian/other, 5'8 or shorter (especially since so many guys seem to add an inch or two), no college degree, or ultra-conservative = automatically cut

And after reading some e-mails, I didn't even need to look at the guy's profile. For example:

"You stopped by and didn't say hello.
That is not good.
You kind of hut my feelings."

Note: On Match, people can see when you view their profile. Hence his "hut" feelings. Did he really think this e-mail would get a response?

"Happy new year sweetie!!
I just wanted to say hi! (well ,that's not all, you are beautifull and interesting and i would love to read some words from you...)
Did you know that you already have a friend and a place to stay in Barcelona if you decide to come here for a visit?? ;)"

Note: Yes, he lives in Spain. I guess he missed my dating radius that certainly didn't exceed thousands of miles.

"I see you are looking for a gentleman who is honest and faithful, not afraid to hold hands or show affection. I will not boast abut being honest as you will find that out in time, as for the rest, I am. Let me know if you would like to chat more."

Note: I didn't say a word about wanting a gentleman or someone who is affectionate and wants to hold hands.

So after the three days of e-mails and winks and the end of the trial period, I only ended up responding to three guys. The one I was most interested in actually lives here, which is surprising since there are very few guys meeting my criteria in Macon on Match. I've already mentioned some of "Ken's" attractive traits that I could ascertain from Match and e-mails. One potential red flag was that he only had one photo, but I realize not everyone is the photo whore that I am. So we exchanged e-mails for a few days, and it was clear that Ken is very intelligent and educated. Oh, bonus points for no typos, misspellings, excellent grammar/commas usage, and some interesting book recommendations.

So he e-mailed me his number, and I called him the next day and we talked for three hours. Yes, three hours. We had some really interesting conversations. He told me he'd like to meet me, etc. and that he'd call me after my busy weekend to plan something. So he called last Monday night, and we talked for a long time again. This time I noticed something I'd picked up a little bit on the first time we talked; Ken is a talker like me, but he doesn't ask many questions. And he has a LOT to say. But no big deal since talking on the phone that long isn't most people's forte anyway. So he asked me to dinner for Thursday night, and we agreed to meet at a bar/restaurant at 8:00.

I almost cancelled because the preparation for next week's trial has required really long hours resulting in a lack of sleep and causing my already purple-ringed eyes to be even darker and bloodshot, but I decided to rally (and use extra concealer) and stick with the plan. So we actually arrived at the same time, and Ken was just as cute as his photo and dressed the way I like boys to dress. Conversation flowed easily, but he (again) just seemed to lack a genuine interest in me. For example, Ken asked me if I've ever been to NYC. I told him I was going in two weeks. Well, I quickly realized he wasn't asking because he was curious about my trip (he didn't really ask any questions about it)--but instead so he could tell me about his trip to NYC.

Granted, I ask a lot of questions, and I've been preparing witnesses the last two weeks and am in total question-asking mode. But I'll bet for every ten questions I asked, he asked one. And while I was talking, I kind of felt like he was just waiting for his next opportunity to talk. I guess I'm just used to guys wanting to get to know me on initial dates and seeming more genuine than Ken. Anyway, after two hours of talking we parted ways with a side hug and "we'll talk soon." My general feeling afterwards was kind of blah until I got home and watched Grey's:)

So...if he calls, I feel like I should give it one more date and try to keep an open mind. Would you? Maybe he was nervous and talking is how it manifests. Or maybe he's just really self-absorbed.

p.s. If you want to watch an incredibly mediocre movie, check out The Last Kiss.

21 comments:

kathrynthomas said...

part of me wants to advise you not to go on a second date. yet as you said, people are typically nervous on first dates. maybe he talked too much because he was nervous? if he has any potential at all, i'd grant him the second date.

as for the eharmony comments, excellent and thoroughly amusing. the only thing better is when a person spends two hours harassing his friends about his qualities and at the end of setting up his profile, eharmony replies with--and i'm not kidding--you are one of a small percentage (2%) of users who cannot be matched with another person in our database. our apologies.

Flat Coke and Flies said...

I have not watched Grey's yet--on my agenda for Sunday afternoon, but I do think a 2nd date is worth a try. You will never know if you don't do it. You've already said he's intelligent, dresses great, and doesn't misspell.

Croaker said...

Dating is a lot of work no matter how you go about it. Somehow I think on line dating is even more work. Reading your post, started me thinking. I don't even feel like putting the work into meeting someone.

I hope that doesn't mean I'll be alone for ever but I'm begining to get really comfortable that way.

Kimberly said...

If he's smart and articulate, and if he's really a man, and since I think you are pretty good at calling things what they are and not beating around the bush, perhaps he could handle it if you just commented on his infrequent questioning. like "you know, usually on the first couple of dates I get asked a lot of questions. I notice you don't ask many." That way if he has some reasonable reason why he doesn't ("I figure girls hate that"; "I talk a lot when I'm nervous;" etc.) he has a chance to express it. And he has the opportunity to try to redeem himself. I say give him the benefit of the doubt. I think it sometimes takes coaching for guys to remember that you don't just want to hear about them :) (or maybe they think talking is a good way to try to put you at ease). I'm glad it was at least on the positive end of the scale!!!

Billy said...

good to know gramar and coma usag is a kee to datin an that sum volks thinks dat is impotent.

Anonymous said...

Dang, Allison you are tough on that rating system. Anyone can make a typo-evin me. I agree with Kimberly and I certainly can see why Croaker could be disillusioned about dating after reading your blog. Nothing wrong with having high standards and expectations but you eliminate about 96% of the guys which leaves only 4% to even date but you have to meet them first and they need to be single etc. You may should set just a few definite criteria and go with it. Trust me I have met numerous college educated people who , unlike you and I , are not very good spellers. If "Ken" doesn't even deserve a second date you have no chance of actually getting to know him. Have a good day.By the way you might even make us bloggers self consious about our spelling. I think that may be what Billy is saying or maybe Billy did not take spelling in college. Dr. RJJ

brookem said...

Ally, I for one, agree with your rating system. We all have certain traits we look for in a guy, and you are beautiful, intelligent, and geniune, so you shouldn't lower your standards. I totally agree with the spelling thing. It just happens to be one of my pet peeves.
I would go out with Ken again. It can be fun just getting ready for dates, getting to know new people, and in turn learning more about yourself, and what you're looking for throughout the process. Let us know how it goes.

Aaron said...

I can't believe we stopped chatting last night so you could watch a mediocre movie!

I guess I'll have to blog my date from Friday night. I'm procrastinating. :)

Ally said...

Aaron: You definitely need to get on that; glad I got the scoop early:)

Brookem: I may not hear from him again, but if I do, I think I'll give it another date. You're right; it's always a learning experience of some sort.

Dr. RJJ: WAIT just a minute--I said I gave Ken "bonus points" for spelling properly and using correct grammar/commas. I didn't say that was a dealbreak or played a role in his rating on the dating scale. Oh, and thanks for reminding me of the statistical unlikelihood of me meeting the kind of guy I'm looking for:)

Billy: Very funny...although there is nothing funny about something being "impotent."

Kimberly: I think that's excellent advice. If Ken calls again (and my gut is that he won't but that may be because I felt so "blah" after our date), and the next date goes the same way, I'll say what you suggested. And you're right about "coaching."

Croaker: I know what you mean. Online dating seems like a lot of work, which is why it's not appealing to me. The three day trial was a good reminder that it's not for me right now. I guess I just ultimately feel like the finding someone will take care of itself (except when I get restless and do something like this 3 day trial), but I don't know if that's the right attitude either.

FC&F: You're right; there are a lot of good things about Ken that would make a second date worth a whirl. Enjoy Grey's! I can't believe you've waited this long.

Kathryn: That's hilarious about the eharmony no match! You must have a really unique friend or two:)

Ivy Cadle said...

I'd say that part of the description of a 5.9'r should include not worth missing something else i wanted to do.

Anonymous said...

OUCH!!! Dr. RJJ

ella w. said...

Thanks for finally giving the back story on Bachelor #1. As you know, I definitely think you should go on date #2 if he calls. He could've been nervous and you could've been distracted with the case you've been working so hard on.

I still haven't watched Grey's yet! But hope to soon. I heard it was a good one.

Ally said...

Ivy: I'm trying to be positive though....:)

Dr. RJJ: I'm just saying....

Ella: You make a good point--I wasn't exactly on my "A" game either, so my perspective is likely skewed.

GreenLineBoy said...

There's some good advice here. I have a three date rule policy. I figure that you can get a true sense of a person on three dates. Usually you need three to spot the red flags. You've already found his. But I agree that it's worth giving him a chance.

I don't agree with Kimberly's advice though. I think coaching comes later. Once you are in the relationship. He's on a job interview now. He should be winning you over. You shouldn't have to help him get the job, he should get it on his own. Otherwise, you'll always be doing his work for him.

But give him another shot. And keep your expectations low... but your standards high.

Allen Madding said...

my gut says he is self absorbed as anyone on a first date should be asking questions to get to know the other persons as opposed to not stop talk about themselves. One more date should flesh that out pretty clearly...

DCVita said...

LOL we are seperated at birth. Totally agree with your dating scale! I think that first dates are just a bit awkward and there are some things that people do that are slightly annoying (talk too much about themselves or check thier phones every 5 minutes) but giving it a second and/or third chance is prob when you know how the person really is.

And I don't think that not caring if they call or not makes us jaded. I think it just means that we are happy and content with our lives (with or without a man!) And that is prob because we have Someone greater in our lives.

Ally said...

GLB: I created a "two date rule" a while back just to attempt to help me give people more of a chance and keep an open-mind. I like your last line--about keeping expectations low and standards high. Good advice; thanks.

Allen: My thoughts exactly but maybe he was nervous. I'm trying to be open-minded:)

DCVita: Having someone greater definitely makes all the difference--and results in a contentedness that certainly cuts down on all the drama and emotions. Excellent point.

Starboard Tack said...

I like your rating system!

My rating system is much harsher than yours -- I rate women in 6 categories, and seek a score of at least 54 out of 60...

Perhaps that is why I am not re-married...

Ally said...

Starboard Tack: So do you make spreadsheets or what? Finally someone pickier than me!

Jordan said...

I'm with you on your score sheet sister... but there are those that are nervous, as Ella said. And finally I agree with GLB (haha)... sometimes you do need another date or two to determine if what you're seeing is truly what you're seeing.. 3 dates is a good rule. However, there are those that you know in the VERY FIRST date that NO WAY on earth would you want a 2nd.. nerves or not! (shiver).

Maybe another date with that one Ally... he does seem self-absorbed.. let's just make sure it's not nerves. By the 2nd date, you could call him out on it though, if he does it again. "You've barely asked anything about me... and you've talked about yourself all night long... did you realize that?"
I'd have no problem saying that.

Lost said...

I'm late to the comment party on this post...just catching up.

I love...LOVE LOVE your scoring policy. I think it perfectly exemplifies the sentiment with going out on dates with guys, especially those that we meet online.