Apologizing

I hate being imperfect and dealing with my imperfections, especially when they affect others. I hate hurting people's feelings. I hate realizing how short I fall and how this will never really change. I hate that apologizing is hard. I hate that words can hurt others so much--and that you can't take them back. You can apologize, but like with a fire, you can never completely undo the damage.

At lunch today with coworkers I made an ugly comment; I said that my (younger) boss was "selling himself as X but that I had never thought of him that way" and other words to that effect. It just came out all wrong. I realized through the course of the conversation that what he meant by X and what I meant by X were two different things and that his identity was very much wrapped up in being X. I wasn't sure if I had hurt his feelings, but I was certain I had done something wrong and that it needed to be addressed today. I've sat in my office since lunch not wanting to deal with this, wondering if I was making a mountain out of a molehill and should just let it slide, and feeling convicted that I needed to get up and deal with it. My boss just left, and I finally spoke to him as he was leaving.

It was hard and uncomfortable, and my eyes filled up with tears. He was gracious and said he was certain that it had been a miscommunication--and that his reaction was more a result of some extraneous matters, which I took to mean that he had (rightfully) been bothered by what I said and had been thinking about it. He said he appreciated me speaking to him about it, and I am grateful that I cleared the air--at least as much as possible.

I'm glad my value is not in my perfection. I'm glad that I'm slowly learning to speak less and listen more. I'm glad that I find myself in situations like the one this afternoon less than I once did. I'm glad that I realized that what I said was ugly and that my apology was well received. I'm glad that I'm redeemed and forgiven.

p.s. I'm grateful for the delicious cheeseburger I ate last night at J. Alexander's (and the lovely company).

BFF Application

It's a small world, and a few months ago I realized (through a random person I sat next to at a dinner) that my friend who is serving as a missionary in Ireland has a best friend who lives in Chattanooga. I Facebooked the best friend, asking if she'd like to include anything in the package I was sending to Ireland. Turns out we share some mutual friends. Fast forward to my NYE party and the tree burning party, and we realize that we have a lot in common; she suggested that we be BFFs, and I told her I'd send her an application. I've decided it'd be fun to actually send her one at work in an official law firm looking packet.

So I spent an hour "working" this morning, and here's part of what I have so far. I welcome any suggestions.

Note: Due to the high number of applicants for this position, I will not be able to respond personally to each application. If an applicant is chosen to be my, he/she will be notified within ten business days of the receipt of said applicant’s completed application.

My love language is words of affirmation (and quality time). Therefore please describe me in the following space.

Please fill in the blanks.

“Them baggy _____ _____ and the _______ with the straps, with the straps; she turned around and gave that big booty a smack.....”

“But it’s not all that easy so maybe I should just snap her up in a ___________ ________;
Pin her down on a _____________ ____________; I am not worried I’ve done this sort of thing before.” (I’m not going to lie. If you don’t know this song, and/or do not understand why it merits repeat play and analysis you may need remedial coursework before advancing to BFF status.)

“Gather ye __________ while ye may, old time is still a-flying.....”

“Sheets of empty ______, untouched sheets of clay were laid spread out before me as her body once did. All five horizons revolved around her soul as the earth to the sun. Now the air I tasted and breathed has taken a turn.”

“I catalog these steps now
Decisive and intentioned
precise and patterned specifically to yours.
I'm talented at ___________
Especially _________
So that my chest will rise and fall with yours.”

I like ________________ more than television.

I like ________________ more than _________________.

I have a _____________________, care about ________________________, and think it’s cool that you are ______________________________.


Identify the films from which the following quotes were taken:

(1) “I SOUND MY BARBARIC YAWP OVER THE ROOFTOPS OF THE WORLD.” “They're not that different from you, are they? Same haircuts. Full of hormones, just like you. Invincible, just like you feel. The world is their oyster. They believe they're destined for great things, just like many of you, their eyes are full of hope, just like you. Did they wait until it was too late to make from their lives even one iota of what they were capable? Because, you see gentlemen, these boys are now fertilizing daffodils. But if you listen real close, you can hear them whisper their legacy to you. Go on, lean in. Listen, you hear it? - - Carpe - - hear it? - - Carpe, carpe diem, seize the day boys, make your lives extraordinary.”

(2) “I just don't think that Brooke could've done this. Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't shoot their husbands, they just don't.”

How many Christian, attractive, funny, intellectually curious, socially conscious, single guy friends do you have? _____

Name five musicians or musical groups that I should check out (p.s. I saw that you like Phil Wickham....no one else seems to have heard of him, but I was hooked on “True Love” for weeks.).

How do you feel about frosting? If you need to attach photographs, recipes, or additional pages, I understand.


What do you think about praying with friends? Do you ever pray out loud with your friends?

There are ten treadmills in a row numbered in order from #1 to #10. Treadmill #2 and treadmill #8 are in use. Which treadmill would you use?

List the following people in order from your favorite to least favorite: Paris Hilton, George W. Bush, Scooby Doo, Ralph Waldo Emerson, Oprah, and Eddie Vedder.

What would you think about a guy taking you to Applebees on your first date?

Who is your favorite poet?

If you were my BFF, how many times a week would we have to talk on the phone? _______

Are there any special awards or recognition that you have received that you think may be relevant to my consideration of your friendship? Attach additional pages if necessary.

Do you certify that the above is true and complete to the best of your knowledge? __ Yes ___No

p.s. I'm grateful to be attending my youngest niece's "Women who are important in my life" breakfast at her Pre-K in the morning. Fun!

Always Looking for a Way to Waste Time (evidently)...

Start your week off with a fun time-suck :)

p.s. I'm grateful that I fought the urge to hibernate all weekend.

Triste

So as I mentioned on Friday the case settled, and I felt the adrenaline leave my body and exhaustion set in. The conversation with Oliver from earlier in the week also came to mind, and I realized that I would be seeing him over the weekend after all and not having a week and most of two weekends in Texas to adjust to the idea of us not dating, etc. And I just felt sad. All week I had felt pretty peaceful about it, thinking that if we're both seeking God and it's God's will for us to be together, then we would be--and if not, the sooner we know the better--so no big deal.

But I had also been in 11/12 hour a day work-mode with a 1.5ish hour a day round-trip commute, so I hadn't really been thinking very much about it. So I decided on Friday to let myself be sad for the weekend even though I sort of felt like I shouldn't be sad over something so small, particularly when I'm so incredibly blessed. But I extended some grace to myself, slept in, and thought and prayed some (and burned 30 plus Christmas trees and dipped pretzels and Ritz crackers and peanut butter in white chocolate, which is always a good time, right?).

I realized part of my sadness was that it seemed like my friend Oliver just wasn't the same since returning from the holidays, and I was afraid our friendship was going to be pretty different post-not-dating. Since he's been one of the three people I've spent the most time with since I moved to Chattanooga that just made me angry too--like somehow a handful of dates was going to mess it all up. I also felt a little irritated with Oliver and God--a sort of what is the point of us dating for a month or so?

Anyway, my neighbor, Oliver, and I ended up cooking dinner together Sunday night and watching DPS, and it was just as silly and fun as before. I am so glad. I've missed our ridiculousness and laughter.

I still feel a bit sad, but I think it's a combination of THIS DREARY, RIDICULOUS (where is the sun??!?) WEATHER, disappointing change with respect to not dating Oliver and this case settling, and just the January blah feeling that happens most years than not.

p.s. I'm grateful that my super-fun friend Sara is staying with me three nights a week for the next four weeks as she completes some med school requirement in the area. On Saturday I had been thinking that I wish I had a best girlfriend in Chatty to just hang out with without agenda, and voila God answered my prayer (for at least the next month anyway:)

What's Wrong with the World?

I just read this on Tim Challies' blog, and it is so right on that I wanted to share it with you all.

"You know the oft-told story, I am sure. G.K. Chesterton, along with other prominent authors of his day, was asked by The Times to answer this question: 'What's Wrong with the World?' His answer was beautiful in its simplicity and brilliant in its profundity.

Dear Sirs,


I am.


Sincerely yours,


G. K. Chesterton"

p.s. I'm grateful that a relatively new friend sought me out today for lunch. I had thought about asking her but figured she was busy getting ready for the party and just didn't. We've spent a lot of time together in groups, but I connect best one-on-one so it was great to have that opportunity today.

This ALWAYS Happens....

So after working over eleven hours most days this week and working last weekend, guess what just happened?

Yep, I'm not a trial lawyer; I'm a settlement lawyer. Because every case I've ever worked has settled. We're canceling the plane tickets, hotels, experts, media team, and so on. All of the adrenaline has left my body, and I feel exhausted and disappointed. And while this is probably the best result because trials are very expensive and juries are so tricky, on a personal level, I hate that I don't get to see all of this hard work through and participate in a trial from start to finish. I wonder how many years I'll practice law before I get to do that.

On the bright side, I now don't have to work this weekend and get to attend the (literally) party of the year. We're burning at least 20 Christmas trees and having chili up on the mountain tomorrow night. I love fire. I also think I'm going to curl up and watch my new DVD of Dead Poets' Society that a friend sent me in the mail this week.

p.s. I'm grateful that there is pretty much always a bright side of some sort. Sometimes we don't see it for years, but it seems to always be there. I'm also grateful that giving up diet soda hasn't been that hard so far. I thought I would really miss the caffeine, but so far so good.

When It Rains, It Pours

So we're finally going to Austin for that trial that was continued at the last minute back in November. I leave really early Saturday morning for a week. Work is crazy, and I can't possibly do everything that has been asked of me. Yesterday I had so much adrenaline pumping through me as I rushed about that I could see my arm shaking above the keyboard. And while it feels overwhelming and a bit miserable, I'm really glad that I'm going to get to sit through an entire trial next week from beginning to end and see what all goes into such complex litigation. Plus it's going to be lots of hours, and I'm paid by the hour:)

In addition to work craziness, Oliver returned to Chatty last week, and within two days I realized something was up with him. He was calling me almost every day, but he didn't make any plans with me for the weekend. It was sort of like a 180 from where we'd left things before Christmas.

Long story short, we finally talked on Monday and for various reasons, he no longer wanted to date. I told him I was disappointed in the situation but so grateful and glad that he was telling me all of this. The conversation felt like such a relief. Knowing is so much easier to me than wondering. I left the conversation feeling so grateful for Oliver and who he is and is trying to be and so glad that Christ is my center and not this (or any) relationship. I also felt tremendously loved by my faithful, praying friends who check in with me and pray for me and send me really cool packages in the mail to be waiting at my door before a not-fun conversation. God is so faithful.

p.s. I'm grateful for TC's latest post and her wishes for me. I think that I may have to steal the fabulous idea.

I'm It...Now You're It

I'm not that good about responding to being tagged, but it's a lazy Sunday afternoon and I'm trying to distract myself a bit from thinking; so here it goes.

Amy tagged me, and I am suppose to share ten things about myself that are "pretty interesting" and then tag seven bloggers to share their ten things.

1. I learned to read upside down and write with my toes in gifted class in elementary school. I subsequently told my mother that I thought gifted class was pointless and that I wanted out; she didn't agree. Back in the day, they thought your IQ changed and retested students every three or so years to see if they were still gifted. Guess whose IQ dropped below gifted range?

2. I struggle with binge eating. I can eat crazy amounts of sweets in one sitting and have a very hard time stopping once I start (I usually stop when it's all gone). I can't keep sweets in my home and at times have even avoided keeping brown sugar around (b/c I'll eat it out of the bag). It's definitely frustrating to have pretty much no willpower when it comes to this. I feel powerless.

3. I love music but because I put songs on repeat and fixate on songs for so long, there's tons of old (and current) music I am only recently learning about (thanks Pandora!) like Damien Rice, Augustana (only two good songs so far), Aqualung, and Iron & Wine. I can seriously just listen to about five songs a month and be fine. When I like it, I really really like it.

4. About 3 and a 1/2 years ago I gave up a sin that I had held on for my first few years as a Christian--and God really got a hold of me; I've changed more in these last few years than I had in all of the years before. It's been incredible and such a blessing. I had no idea how broken and lost I was--or how sweet, peaceful, and joy-filled life could be. I wasn't miserable before and life isn't a bed of roses 24/7 now, but I am so very grateful that the Lord pursued me so faithfully and that I know him so much better now--and that I'm experiencing true freedom.

5. I now use Christian jargon that would have probably made me roll my eyes ten years ago....phrases and words like "quiet time," "accountability," "witness," "time in the Word," "spiritual warfare," "the enemy," and so on. I'm almost to the point that it doesn't make me uncomfortable from time to time.

6. Taboo, Scattegories, and Catch Phrase totally get my heart rate up and raise my blood pressure. I can just feel it. I love those games. And my team dominated last night in Taboo--49 to the boys' 29.

7. My ears don't product much wax, if any, if my Q-tip is a good indicator, but I think it's cool that some people get all sort of gross gook out of their ears.

8. I've only read the Bible through once, but I'm doing it again this year with a One Year Bible.

9. I just discovered the deliciousness of black beans last year.

10. My step-sister and I have the same first name, middle name, and birthday.

So now I'm suppose to tag seven people, and since I'm not a stickler, feel free to disregard my tag. The following blogs are now tagged: Cadleized, Jennsational, Traveling Chica, Ys, Happyascanb (although I know you just did a meme so feel free to skip:), Still Just Me, and that's enough!

p.s. I'm grateful for prayer--the power of praying, the gift of my friends' and Jesus' prayers for me, and the fact that my Lord is always listening.