Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Triste

So as I mentioned on Friday the case settled, and I felt the adrenaline leave my body and exhaustion set in. The conversation with Oliver from earlier in the week also came to mind, and I realized that I would be seeing him over the weekend after all and not having a week and most of two weekends in Texas to adjust to the idea of us not dating, etc. And I just felt sad. All week I had felt pretty peaceful about it, thinking that if we're both seeking God and it's God's will for us to be together, then we would be--and if not, the sooner we know the better--so no big deal.

But I had also been in 11/12 hour a day work-mode with a 1.5ish hour a day round-trip commute, so I hadn't really been thinking very much about it. So I decided on Friday to let myself be sad for the weekend even though I sort of felt like I shouldn't be sad over something so small, particularly when I'm so incredibly blessed. But I extended some grace to myself, slept in, and thought and prayed some (and burned 30 plus Christmas trees and dipped pretzels and Ritz crackers and peanut butter in white chocolate, which is always a good time, right?).

I realized part of my sadness was that it seemed like my friend Oliver just wasn't the same since returning from the holidays, and I was afraid our friendship was going to be pretty different post-not-dating. Since he's been one of the three people I've spent the most time with since I moved to Chattanooga that just made me angry too--like somehow a handful of dates was going to mess it all up. I also felt a little irritated with Oliver and God--a sort of what is the point of us dating for a month or so?

Anyway, my neighbor, Oliver, and I ended up cooking dinner together Sunday night and watching DPS, and it was just as silly and fun as before. I am so glad. I've missed our ridiculousness and laughter.

I still feel a bit sad, but I think it's a combination of THIS DREARY, RIDICULOUS (where is the sun??!?) WEATHER, disappointing change with respect to not dating Oliver and this case settling, and just the January blah feeling that happens most years than not.

p.s. I'm grateful that my super-fun friend Sara is staying with me three nights a week for the next four weeks as she completes some med school requirement in the area. On Saturday I had been thinking that I wish I had a best girlfriend in Chatty to just hang out with without agenda, and voila God answered my prayer (for at least the next month anyway:)

14 comments:

TC said...

Sorry you've been sad: it's a rough time of year I know :-/

I think your feelings about Oliver are completely understandable. It's like, you both made that committment to be friends and then just a few weeks of dating ruined it? I'm so glad it seems like that didn't end up happening after all.

Enjoy your time with Sara. That's marvelous.

browneyedgirlie said...

Winter is the worst for not being able to escape the 'blahs.'

I'm sorry about Oliver, but if he has unresolved issues about his ex, then being friends is probably the best thing for now.

I say, just enjoy doing the things you love, and the rest will fall into place.

(I should really take my own advice more often!)

Lib said...

Ally--

Your disappointment is understandable and valid. I am glad you are allowing yourself to feel it and I hope you continue to do that. I have learned the hard way that stuffing it or brushing it off never works...it always comes back to bite me and the longer I shove it away, the more strength it seems to gain. Convincing myself of reasons why I shouldn't be disappointed is a waste of time and counterproductive. Gosh...the whole cycle of risk, hope, and disappointment is so hard, and sometimes I get pretty frustrated with God too. :) You aren't alone. I know it can feel pretty messy.

In college I had a boyfriend who pawned his indecision off as "God's will." It didn't sit too well with me. God had nothing to do with it. I was sorely disappointed and that one took me quite a while to get over. We only dated for a few weeks. *sigh*

I'm thinking of you! Lib.

Ally said...

TC: Yes, it is marvelous! Just what I need.

Browneyedgirl: Yes, I agree that it's best for us to just be friends while he's struggling with that, and I'm glad he came to that realization now (and not after dating for months).

Lib: Ah, yes it is a cycle of risk, hope, and disappointment, and it's scary. I guess that's what makes me just not want to date at all--it can feel easier that way. Thanks so much for your comment.

Jamie said...

It's not fun sometimes, the whole boy thing. Good thing for you, though, that you have a friend coming to town. That might bring you out of this funk a bit! :) Chin up!

ella said...

:( Boys suck. At least Oliver was being honest upfront.

Horray for girlfriends (and answered prayers).

It's been 80 degrees out here by the beach. So when are you coming to visit?

Flat Coke and Flies said...

I think you've seen a few of my blah days on myspace, too. I cannot stand this dreary weather. But I tell ya what, I got out and jogged in the 40 degree SUNSHINE today and it made SUCH a difference in my mood. WOW! It was amazing.

I hope you can continue to spend quality time with Oliver. You never know where it will go.

Cat_Chaser said...

These days it’s so cold here, you come out to your car only to find the windows frosted up on the inside and the fun of scraping the insides. If you wanna have glimpse of little MN Ice age? Come on up here :)

Hopefully Oliver will be able to get over his X and you two will have some time together.

OK Chick said...

I'm sorry it didn't work out for you and Oliver. It's hard when things don't work out the way you want them to work out.

I admire that the two of you are still friends and still can hang out.

Ys said...

You definitely should be allowed to feel sad. I totally understand the anger part, too. You have to go with your feelings; get them out or else you'll pay the price later.

I hope things work out better for you two. Maybe he's got the blahs too. It is rife at this time of year.

Brandy said...

Oh I'm sorry you are feeling sad. January seems to be the month for such a feeling I think. Like Ella said, at the very least, thank goodness Oliver was honest and felt comfortable enough with you to share with you what's bothering you.

Have fun with Sara!

Rachel said...

The weather definitely contributes to my winter blues, and there is no reason to feel bad about it. Sometimes you just have to be sad. It makes the light that much brighter.

Seized by Hope said...

Ally,

I am sad. I heard your excitement and hope about Oliver. You were brave enough to put voice to it on this blog. His decision is at the very least disappointing.

The weather seems like an invitation to let your heart just sit in the reality of what is.

The sun always seem to come out at the right time without us "making" it appear.

KennethSF said...

All those frustrations and doubts, punctuated by laughter and friendship, are part of the crazy quest for the romantic ideal, I think. In the end, it'll be all worthwhile.