Thursday, March 12, 2009

"I'm on a mission, you better just listen"

TC's comment as to whether Oliver and I are stuck at friends reminded me that I hadn't really updated the blog-world about that situation. And really there's not that much to say, although I guess my close friends have perhaps heard otherwise from me at times. So the bottom line is that there's been no discussion between Oliver and me about dating. We don't hang out as much as we did pre-dating (which was a lot) but see each other/e-mail/talk regularly.

I realized a few weeks ago that I was harboring some bitterness toward Oliver (and God) about the entire situation, wondering why Oliver ever asked me out; why I felt a peace about dating him when it wasn't going to work out; what changed in the week between "I want to pursue you" and lets not date; what am I suppose to learn from this and how is God using it for my good, etc. And I also have had a strong intuition that Oliver wasn't being completely honest with me, which I think bothered me even more because we were friends--not just two random people who dated for 5 weeks. And I found out last weekend (from a mutual friend who flat-out asked him what happened on his trip home) that my intuition was correct and that there was more to the story than he shared with me. While I wish he had been completely honest with me, I'm sort of relieved that my intuition was spot-on and that I know the truth and now feel more free to let it go (and not wonder what piece of the puzzle I might be missing). And I feel a bit lame that I'm still talking about a guy I dated for like a month.

Asides: I hate it when men write on their Match profiles that they are looking for a "princess" or "someone to spoil." Should I reply to a man who has a cat....and has several profile photos that include said cat? Otherwise he seems great (well except for that one other photograph...which include him and a corvette).

And here's the link for yummy chocolate cupcakes (I only did parts 1 and 2 and added crushed up Hershey's bars instead of semi-sweet chips) and Oreo cream cheese frosting.

p.s. I'm grateful that rainy weather feels like permission to lounge around more than usual. See I'm trying to find an upside to the no-sunshine forecast.....And yeah, it's FRIDAY!!

21 comments:

Mamacita said...

Don't know about this guy Oliver. But. I'm a big believer in total transparency in a relationship that could lead to longterm (i.e., the M word). If he hides now, why wouldn't he hide later? My hubby and I are completely honest with each other and while it can be hard to look someone in the face and say "I'm struggling with this..." or "I feel let down by you because...", it's worth it. There's no "accountability" like it elsewhere. Also, there's huge grace in it. You can hash out the ugliness and still love and laugh together. That's why marriage is a pic/glimpse of Christ and His Bride. That's what I want for you. Otherwise, I simply can't imagine it's worth it.

Aaron said...

Go out with the catty-guy. You need some new blog material. :)

HappyascanB said...

Don't be beating yourself up over talking about Oliver still! That's fair! As for the cat corvette guy. . . . maybe he's not as strange as that seams?!?!? But that does sound kind of weird. Enjoy a lazy weekend!!! It's good for us sometimes!

Ally said...

Mamacita: I agree with everything you wrote and am so glad you have that kind of marriage.

Aaron: No rap lyric wisdom today?

B: It is...with being sick, I've had a lazy week. I figure what's two more days?

Jennifer said...

I always wonder what to do with questions like the ones you asked. Well, why did I have peace? Or why did this happen at all if.... -I mean, what do we do with these questions? And why can't God just come sit on our sofas for a few hours and drink some coffee with us and give us some straight answers. Sometimes, I just hate wrestling with Him and just want Him to be frank with me. Is that weird to say?

I'm with Mama - it's sad that Oliver couldn't be transparent enough with you to tell you what was really going on for him. But maybe that deep of a relationship will only look like that with the man that you marry. But perhaps I think this way because that's how it's looked like for me.

And lastly, I would just say no to the cat man. Just say no girl.

OK Chick said...

You could give the cat guy a try. I guess he's just really into cats. Hope you like cats. :)

Thanks for the recipes.

Ally said...

Jennifer: I think it's weird to say, but it's how I feel too. So maybe weird to say but not weird to feel? And thanks for the advice re: cat man.

Ok Chick: That's just it. I don't like cats (I almost hate them) and I'm allergic.

bMoles said...

The guy throws a mean frisbee; that's a pretty hard thing to get over.

Seriously though, he has his reasons for doing what he did and you have to respect those reasons, whatever they may be. If he held back a little or wasn't completely honest, it was probably to protect either himself or you.

Ally said...

Bmoles: You and your frisbee! I'm not sure I have to respect his reasons for being dishonest. Don't get me wrong--I still respect him, but I am definitely disappointed in him.

Kimberly said...

I wouldn't boycott someone because they have different animal preferences. I had a cat that my parents gave me my senior year of high school when I met mark. He's allergic. So we ended up trading my cat to my parents for their dog (they actually were moving and didn't have a fence anymore so it worked out for them too). I miss my cat but I love Mark so I made it work. Maybe this guy would be similarly agreeable :) Don't exclude people so quickly...if there's not something morally or value-related or just repugnant about them that you know it wouldn't work...that's just my two cents though.

Ys said...

I tend to find you don't find out the WHY of a situation until a while down the track, when you can look back and say "Ahh that's why it happened because this followed and that followed and I am able to feel this way about this because of that." It's perfectly okay to be still hung up on him, though. Dating guys who are your friends makes for a much deeper connection. Getting over them is extremely difficult. Unfortunately it takes time.

Bone said...
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Bone said...

Well, as usual, I'm late to the party. I have no idea who Oliver is. Well, I guess now I have some idea.

But I can say that I've been there, more than once. And I always have that exact same feeling of "well, at least my instincts were right." But it's kind of a hollow feeling.

I just don't see how things are ever gonna work without honesty and trust. But what do I know?

Oh, cat man. My instinct" says run far away. But there's always the do-it-for-the-blog-material school of thought :)

W T G said...
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W T G said...

Hope all works out for you - disappointments; indeed we all fail to some degree and some greater than others. Forgiveness is so powerful & liberating yet N O T an easy thing to do (thanks to pride)
Be well Ally !

TC said...

what changed in the week between "I want to pursue you" and lets not date

I had a very similar experience to that. Things were literally great one week - we'd both expressed the desire to move from "friends" to something more, with him expressing interest first (not because I wasn't, but because I'm a believer that the guy needs to make the first move and thus I won't) - and then suddenly, he wasn't interested. He claimed one reason, but it was something he'd known going in. It never changed. And one day it doesn't phase him in the least, and the next he's not interested? I could never believe it.

It took a LONG time for us to get back to that "friends" stage. Truly friends. We kind of faked it for awhile I guess, but it wasn't until well over a year later that I actually felt totally at ease with him and I and the whole situation. I still feel like he lied, and there are moments in time where that lie bothers me, but in the end, being friends with him seems more important than pushing it.

Maybe someday you and Oliver can get to that point, too. It's just too bad he couldn't have TRULY looked to his "issues" before he said something to begin with, since he'd told you he had.

Ally said...

TC: Thank you for sharing that. Just knowing that someone else has been through a similar situation somehow helps.

WTG: Yep, and we all need constant forgiveness.

Bone: Honesty and trust are absolutely crucial. I think it would be terribly lonely to be in a relationship without those.

Ys: You're absolutely right about there being a deeper connection because of the friendship. I think that has made letting go harder for me--my feelings haven't just evaporated b/c his did (or even b/c he was less than honest with me).

Kimberly: I think you're right. I went back and reread his profile, but I found something that is on my list of non-negotiable that I must have missed on the first read.

cat_chaser said...

I'm looking on the brighter side of the situation. Now that your list getting narrower, it's a long shot, but I actually might have a chance :)

OK Chick said...

Well, maybe cat guy isn't for you. Either way keep us posted. Nothing going on in my life, so I'm living through yours. :)

Bone said...

So would you recommend match.com? Or not?

Scotty said...

Cat man would be good blog material. So, for the benefit of us, I say yes.

Although, with guys, I probably think having a cat is totally the opposite of having a corvette.