Sunday, September 10, 2006

Guilty as Named: I'm a "Serious Talker"

I used to hang out with some people who referred to me as a “Serious Talker.” They are content to just tell jokes, shoot the breeze, and just talk about day to day stuff like the last time they got drunk. I, on the other hand, like to occasionally bring up current events, politics, religion, and the like. More than that though--I like to really know someone, and I ask a lot of questions—not just surface-y ones--in order to feel like I have a good idea of who someone is.

The last two times I’ve seen Jake (the most recent set-up), something has been off, and I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. On our second date, he cooked, and it was a bit of a production, so I didn’t feel like we had any real conversations. I don’t think cooking is a good second date activity especially when it means not eating until 10:00 on a work night, but I also realize that I’m a bit picky when it comes to dating. I think he wanted me to see his house, which was very nice. So anyway, the food was great, and we got along fine. But something just wasn’t right. I thought perhaps there was just too much going on and that was why I left his house feeling like I didn’t know anything more about him (other than he had a nice house and could boil a lobster) or vice versa.

Well I saw him briefly this weekend and realized what I couldn’t quite put my finger on. Our conversations were just about what we’ve been doing and a lot more about him than me (at best 75/25). I was doing a lot of question asking, which is par for the course for me, but he wasn’t asking much of anything besides “What did you do last night?”

Sure it’s nice to know what someone has been up to in his day to day life, but in order to really get to know someone, there has to be a lot more than that. I don’t know if Jake just isn’t a “serious conversation” kind of person or if he’s just not interested enough in me to ask those kinds of questions (in which case he shouldn’t ask me out again), but regardless I’ve lost total interest. It’s funny how someone can seem like such a great conversationalist on a first date (perhaps the margarita I consumed altered my perception), and then it goes totally flat. I think it didn't help that I suspect that we have religious differences, and I was also really turned off by him calling me on a Wednesday night at 9:45 to ask me out for Thursday night (note: this was for a third date). Why even bother? No thanks but regardless I already had plans. Anyway he’s a nice guy, but we’re obviously not a match.

Maybe some people prefer to have more superficial conversations at first and then delve into serious topics on later dates, but I find that when I’m really interested in someone, I want to know everything about them. And if all I know about them on dates one and two are what they did that day and the night before, then I’m not going to care to go on date number three. I love the dates and phone calls where you want to talk for hours.

While on the subject of dating: I had dinner with my friend Kate Friday night and gave her the green light on giving my phone number to the 24 year old. The 24 year old and I have a mutual friend, and the mutual friend informed me that the guy is a big Tim Keller fan. That information made me much more interested in meeting the guy. It’s funny—a few years ago if someone told me a guy was tall, that was a major selling point. Now it’s that the guy listens to Tim Keller’s sermons. I figure if someone can appreciate Tim Keller, then he’s worth meeting.


ella w. said...

I used to go to Tim Keller's church in NYC. I always found his sermons a little bit too academic for me. Then again I was pretty much brain dead from working another 90 hour work week.

Good luck with the 24 year old. You never know... :)

illegal said...

Jake...The Snake??? He was a pro wrestler back in the day. I think you'd be into that. He had some great tats.

Ally said...

I think I would find Newlyweds: Nick & Jessica too academic if I worked over 60 hours in a week much less 90.

kimberly said...

I'm looking forward to hearing how it goes with Mr. 24! Oh, the trials of dating and conversation...
I haven't ever heard of Tim Keller...will have to check him out! I never listen to sermons online though. I need to be more disciplined in that area. I hope you are doing well....things are good here but I'm pretty tired...miss you and I am hoping to get down that way soon & we can go get some Mexican! :)

Anonymous said...

Ally, you may be too quick to judge. There are several possibilities to explain the young man's behavior. I am not sure that you can always decide in only two dates if someone is interesting etc. Of course, alternatively some times you can tell after one date. Who knows, the third date may have been the real deal--or not. Dr. Ridge