Friday night I went out in Atlanta for the first time in over a year. I had forgotten how much more fun Atlanta is than Macon, and I had forgotten how 99.9% of the men in Midtown look gay to me. It’s so annoying. I’m not sure why it’s so bothersome because I do not go to bars to meet guys per se (in all my years of going out, I’ve only been on a date once with someone I met in a bar), but I guess it’s more entertaining when there are few “red-blooded” men (where does that expression come from?) around besides the three guys that I’m with. Plus I enjoy looking at straight men more. I hate button up striped shirts* (without undershirts), lots of jewelry, ironed tight jeans, snug sweaters, and the look of a multiple recent facials at Spa Sydell on a man. In short, guys who look like they spent a lot more time getting ready to go out than I did.
I shared my observations with my three guy friends who were immediately offended until I explained that they looked 100% straight (I never though I’d be so grateful to be with a guy wearing those gray frat-boy New Balances). They suggested that I just wasn’t accustomed to the metrosexual look, which is a valid argument since I grew up in a town where Wrangler jeans are chic, the Kmart parking lot is a hang-out spot, and pick-up trucks and Mustangs are status symbols. Needless to say, we don’t have many pretty boys around those parts of the woods. But I think that’s counteracted by my dating a metrosexual for six months or so in law school. This guy was way prettier than me and dressed so much better than I do that I actually started trying to accessorize and whatnot. One night we had plans to go to his friend’s party, and when I got to his loft, he told me we weren’t going. After pressing him as to why he had a sudden change of heart, it finally came out that it was because he had a zit. Despite all of this, I never wondered if he was straight. You can be a man and dress nicely and take care of yourself without seeming ambiguously heterosexual.
I was certain that the bar/club we were at had just become a gay bar, which is totally fine; but I just wanted to know since my friends contended that I was wrong despite the fact that these guys ALL looked stereotypically gay. So I decided to do a quick survey. Guy #1: I asked him if Cosmolava (the bar) was a gay bar. He told me it wasn’t and that he wasn’t gay. I was shocked. Guy #2: This guy was thin, had on very tight jeans with a huge white belt (the width was about the length of my middle finger), and a super snug red t-shirt tucked in to his jeans. So I told him that I liked his belt, and we started talking. So finally I asked him if he were gay (which I honestly thought was a rhetorical question). That went over like a ton of bricks, and he became very defensive, asking me why I would ask him that. I tried to explain that I was wondering if it was a gay bar, and he got really angry and acted appalled that I would even think he was gay. Finally I broke it to him that wearing a wide white belt with a tight shirt tucked into snug pants isn’t the most heterosexual look ever. Somehow we ended up talking about the Bible and that didn’t go so well either.
Nevertheless, I had so much fun. Oh I almost forgot, my friend Ozzy had told one of his coworkers about me and wanted to set us up. Well the co-worker ended up meeting us out later in the night, and he was wearing a…you guessed it, striped shirt with no undershirt and unbuttoned half-way down his chest as well as several rings. He came with a friend who seemed even more effeminate. Ozzy’s defense is that he had only ever seen him in suits and had no idea. The guy asked Ozzy for my e-mail address and sent me a very nice e-mail on Monday. I kind of feel like I have to respond since it’s Ozzy’s coworker, so I am thinking a three or so day wait on a two sentence response will send the right message, right? Or should I just ask him if he’s gay because that seems to go over really well with the striped shirt crowd?
* I actually don’t hate all striped shirts and own one myself. Some guys can wear them, and it looks fine. I’m sure you guys know the difference.