Trivial?

Two weeks ago I was looking at an ingredients list which noted that the product included "trivial amounts" of somesuperlongwordthatprobablymeanstheingredientissuperfakeandcausescancer. Since then I've been thinking about the word trivial and the lies we tell ourselves and each other because what fun would it be to just read the product label and not allow it to provoke deep thought? That would be way too easy, right?

Typically trivial is defined as "of very little importance or value; insignificant."

Over the years there are a lot of things I've trivialized in an attempt to make them less painful.

"It didn't really matter anyway." "I don't really care." "Oh, it's ok. Really, it's no big deal. I shouldn't have said anything."

I especially like to act like something doesn't matter from the get-go...that way, I figure, it won't hurt if it doesn't work out. It's like the Gin Blossoms said--if you don't expect too much, you might not be let down. That verse sort of became my modus operandi for years. I was so tired of feeling hurt and let down, so it seemed easier to not have expectations or hopes at all.

My freshman year of college my boyfriend and I were at different schools and two hours apart. I proposed an "open" relationship and wonder how much of that proposal was motivated by his previous unfaithfulness and my desire to protect myself; after all, if it's open, he's not doing anything wrong, right? And if I'm kissing other boys, how he treats me won't hurt so much.

So I'm trying to be intentional about being hopeful, admitting that things matter, and being cool with the fact that I'm going to be hurt by people--and then letting myself hurt. A friend pointed out to me that whenever I get close to something painful I quickly toss in a rejoinder or other qualifier to exit the moment. Sometimes I think I do that because my problems and hurts feel trivial in light of how wonderful my life is overall--as if a great life makes complaining or hurting unacceptable. Or maybe I'm trying to make something less painful by quickly jumping to the good.

And then sometimes I wonder if I qualify the hurtful matter (lets say feeling rejected or forgotten) with something positive (how someone else values me) because I fail to realize my value and still trying to prove that I am, in fact, important.

And, this, friends is why I'm not reading any more product labels.

In dating news, tomorrow I'm meeting Match Guy #5 who I've easily enjoyed corresponding with the most and also the one who reads my blog. We've agreed to meet up in the early afternoon, see what we think, and if we're both a "go," go out on a "proper" date that night. Something about this arrangement makes me think of a dating show. Maybe we should each bring a rose and let it sit in plain sight the entire time (like on the one-on-one dates on The Bachelor) to remind us of the upcoming decision.

p.s. I'm grateful that the cashier at Sonic gave me three lemon slices this morning to go with my Diet Coke.

Who Has the Most Wrong with Him?

I was so tired on my date on Friday night that I briefly wondered if my neighbor had slipped Ruffies into my drink. Then I reasoned that if he had I would probably have been taking my clothes off or something. Plus I was drinking water with dinner, and I think you're supposed to mix it with alcohol. I read way too much true crime in middle school.

It was fun to go on a proper date with a non-internet person. Conversation was easy, albeit riddled with red flags, and after dinner (checked another restaurant off my list) we went to the neighborhood bar for drinks. By that point I was almost deliriously tired but having enough fun to want to keep going, so I just had one martini and proceeded to engage my neighbor in my made-up game "who has the most wrong with him?" It's a stupid game but fun to see what people 'fess up to and how creative they become. My neighbor did surprisingly well and has written to say he's come up with a few more. There's a lot wrong with me, so we may need to go for round two.

The dating scale won't work for this date because I had a really good time but wouldn't go out with him again. With that being said, I'd definitely hang out with him again as friends...in a group or something since I sort of have a rule* against being friends with guys that I find subjectively attractive. Maybe a few of us could have a neighborly outing and include him.

p.s. I'm grateful for my upcoming three day weekend in Nashville and face time with two of my favorite people.

* I'm sort of fond of rules and find that wide margins work best for me in this arena.

I Am Defiantly Splitting Infinitives

One of my bosses is an English/Blue Book sort of nerd, and I must admit that I am at times too. I've been reading some of his interrogatory responses in hopes of avoiding the recreation of the wheel so to speak and ran across several oddly written sentences. I realized he was trying to avoid splitting infinitives and wondered what you guys thought about that (or if you ever think about such trivial* things).

Here's two examples:

"Defendant Bank failed appropriately to monitor the development of the collateral."

"Defendant failed timely to notify this Plaintiff."

Awkward. I'm rewriting. This reminds me of the painful way people sometime rewrite questions so that they won't end with a preposition, e.g. "On what did you step?" This reminds me of a joke I heard 15 years ago:

A midwestern farmer is crossing Harvard square searching for the library. He approaches a stately looking gentleman, who happens to be a Harvard English professor, and he asks, "Excuse me sir. Can you tell me where the library is at?"**

The professor looks somewhat disdainfully and replies, "At Harvard," he sniffs "we do not end sentences with prepositions."

After a pause the farmer turns back to the professor and asks, "Well then, can you tell me where the library is at, asshole?"

p.s. I'm grateful that my mom and step-dad joined me for church and lunch today. And while no words or p.s. comment can express my gratitude for my Savior and Father's sacrifice, I am deeply grateful for the hope, love, and strength of my risen King.

* Just thought I'd let you know that this word has been on my mind a lot lately.
** I actually hate the way this question sounds. The use of "at" is redundant but pointing out that a question ends with a preposition is even more annoying.

And they burned all the books and the Chevrolets

Match Date #3 was a 7.9 which means I would go out with him again, but if he doesn't ask me out that's fine too. Will seems to meet the typical parameters of the guys I've dated in the past (not sure if that's good or bad) except he's a Democrat; with the exception of the last election we have the exact same voting/support record since 1988...and both were glad (at the tender age of ten) that Bush Sr. beat Dukasis. Although I'm definitely not angling for political debates, Will visibly holds some strong opinions and that's attractive.

Which sort of leads into what I feel like is missing in the three guys I've met--they've just not been particularly engaging, charismatic, and/or animated. There hasn't been that sort of initial connection that results in a three hour conversation, I guess. I just realized the other day that because I tend to get wound up about things, sometimes I think more staid individuals make me feel a bit like a clown. Sometimes they just don't know what to do with me (or perhaps are annoyed). It was sort of that way with Carter, which I didn't realize for several months. Last spring my boss asked if Carter appreciated how different I was from most girls and my quirkiness. I realized I didn't know, so I asked Carter and his response was that he wasn't sure yet and that it bothered him that he couldn't "read" me more easily.

Oh, I almost forgot. I have a real life date tonight. Or I'd rather call it a neighborly outing. My cute neighbor (who I've never seen in our actual building) asked me out for drinks weeks ago, and we're just now coordinating for tonight....dinner and a party at his friend's house, which feels a bit risky given the amount of time it could eat up... but I figure it'd be good to meet some different people in Chatty.

Check out what I've deemed my Easter tee shirt...who needs an Easter dress? (Just for you Ella:)

I just saw this lovely bumper sticker:




And now I'm off to a Good Friday service with friends. Hope your Friday is good too.

p.s. I'm thankful for Zyrtec D...it's helping a little.

Match Date #3

What: First date with another Match guy
Who: "Will"
When: Today after work
Where: Starbucks
Why: Well here's what I know about him....

Christian/Protestant (attends a non-denominational church)
30 years old, 6'3, "athletic and toned," blond/blue-eyed, lives in Atlanta but frequently travels in North Georgia (where I work)
Self-employed real estate attorney
Really into Crossfit, which should make Jennifer happy, and does triathlons, etc. Very active. Loves Dead Poets' Society.
He's in a Facebook group called "People who are from Tennessee and hate UT." That makes me smile. Orange is an awful color on almost everyone.
And the "Match O Meter" shows us matching up in every category except exercise (and that doesn't match b/c I checked the wrong box).

We've been e-mailing for two weeks and trying to get together for over a week now...finally our schedules have synced up. And you know, I'm not dreading this at all. Yeah positive attitude and totally "normal" seeming boy.

In other Match news, MJ, the Chicago guy who brought me a half dozen delicious cupcakes, has emailed and called. While I like him and enjoy talking to him, my gut is that we might be a good fit but not an awesome fit (but what do I know?). He's asked me twice when I was going to be in Atlanta again, and both times I've said that I didn't have any plans to be. I finally threw out that my hometown (where I occasionally stay during the work week) isn't that far from where he lives--about 40 minutes, so maybe we could work something out next time I'm there. He liked that idea and asked me to let him know the next time I'd be there, but honestly I think he should ask me out on a proper date and just come to Chatty. Plus it'll be at least another week and a half or more before I can be in Calhoun and available for dinner (b/c usually when I'm there I'm spending time with my family).

That's enough updating for now. There are three more guys, I think, but short of making a chart it's just too much for one post. And yes, it feels weird to be "talking" to so many different guys, but other than telling a few to take a rain check what do I do? Oh, I think one may be reading my blog (thanks Sitemeter); if so, hi there :) I found his blog, but then felt guilty about reading it so I stopped. I am impressed with my restraint.

p.s. I'm grateful for my evening home alone with no plans and only one phone call.

I Wish I Were the Verb to Trust and Never Let You Down

Last weekend I forced myself to have one of those uncomfortable conversations with a friend. I e-mailed him on Thursday about talking so that (1) I'd obligate myself to do what I needed to do and (2) to give him a heads up. I began by apologizing for not coming to him sooner with my concerns. I had been praying about talking to him since January but never felt a peace about talking to him (or not talking to him). Two weeks ago I was working on my Bible study when I realized this prayer request fell into the arena of "you don't need to pray about this because the Bible has already told you what God would have you do."* Even when I believe someone has wronged me, it's always my move to reconcile or repair our relationship. I'm not sure how that's escaped me for two months.

The conversation went well, and I said what I needed to say....and immediately felt a weight lifted. It helped that I went into the conversation with no expectations of my friend, realizing that I can only control what I do and say. And you know, these "awkward" conversations are becoming a little bit easier for me. And an upside of having them is that I spend a lot more time in the Word and in prayer in the days leading up to them out of my desire for the Lord's leading and wisdom.

One of the Match boys shared this last week, and I've made it my prayer several times since then. My favorite part is in italics.

"My Lord God,

I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope that I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone."

~Thomas Merton~

** It's sort of like praying about whether you should be unfaithful to your spouse, for example. The Bible has made the answer to this clear, so there's no need to go ask God about it. He's already spoken.

p.s. I'm grateful that large drinks are $1 before 10 a.m. at Sonic.

I want to be more concerned about what might be than about being right about what might not be

I've been thinking about what it means to love our neighbors (not the literal or typical definition but the one given by Jesus and in the OT--anyone I come into contact with who lacks resources, the poor, the immigrant, etc.). And as I thought through what I already do and what I could do to be more loving, my mind wondered down the path of trying to figure out what to do about this one person in my life who I've been trying to love well for the last 8 months despite how infuriating and exhausting he can be. Unlike many, he has access to resources and opportunities that he doesn't avail himself of, making poor choices and not using what he has wisely. Am I wasting time on him that could be better spent helping someone who wants to help himself more?

As I thought, I realized that I was sort of like the lawyer (imagine that) in Luke 10:25-37 in the Parable of the Good Samaritan. I'm more interested in defining and limiting the definition of "neighbor" than just loving and taking action. Over the years, I've seen this a lot in my middle class circles--both Christian and otherwise. We'll talk about helping a group/person and somehow get lost in reasons not to ("well they aren't really helping themselves" or "maybe this isn't the best way to do it" or "I probably shouldn't take anything else on right now"). No doubt, a lack of love is often easy to justify.

And it's easy for me to think I get it all so wrong (living in my loft, driving my SUV, typing on my laptop and listening to my ipod and basically living a life of incredible physical comfort and luxury) that I just give up and push all of the poverty and injustice of this world out of my mind. Or I conclude that I just need to move to a third world country (as if my neighbors here don't need love too). In reality I just need to do. I need to write a letter to Pedro in Peru instead of running that last mile. I need to love my infuriating friend well even if he is making destructive decisions. I need to write that check instead of constantly counting the cost (which I don't do so much when it's something I want). I need to have that uncomfortable conversation. I need to talk to the homeless person rather than look away. And I need to humbly rely on God because I know I may be getting it all wrong, but surely it pleases Him that I'm trying no matter how feeble my attempts are. Here are some of the questions I'm asking myself:

"Am I more aware of what I don't have (or want) or of what others need?"

"Am I offering things that don't cost me anything?"

Do I want to give myself away? Do I really believe that I have to lose my life to find it?

p.s. I'm grateful for this video. I didn't like it until 4:30 (thought it was sort of gay; I'm not the interpretative dance kind), but then it totally affected me. Now I'm a fan :)

Excited....about Two (or Three) Match Guys!

Just when we thought I was hard-hearted and completely indifferent to online dating (and destined to live alone in my bathrobe with 12 cats) I received two e-mails that actually made me happy, and for the first time I talked to a Match guy on the phone. I also canceled my Match membership. Match tried to entice me with another three months for the price of one, but I don't want to spend so much time on the computer, especially now that spring is here. Plus I'm emailing with more than five guys, which is plenty.

I spent most of last weekend in Atlanta and met up with the Match guy I briefly mentioned a few weeks ago. "MJ" is from Chicago, lives just north of Atlanta, has a super cool job (sports marketing), is 6'5, and seems committed to his faith. AND he arrived at Starbucks with a half dozen cupcakes from a bakery I'd mentioned to him over three weeks ago. That really set the right tone :) It was really thoughtful and just nice to see a guy making an effort like that. We talked for 2 and 1/2 hours; he asked about grabbing dinner, but I wanted to get back to Calhoun to see my nieces before their bedtime. He e-mailed me yesterday to say how much he enjoyed talking face to face and that he looked forward to doing it again. And I didn't even have to ask you guys if I should write him back either.

In other Match news, I e-mailed a guy about two weeks ago. I rarely initiate contact with boys, but this guy's profile was fabulous; he shared his Myers-Briggs type, mentioned C.S. Lewis, and made reference to working with the youth at his church. And it was all so cleverly written. He wrote me back last week (b/c he had not been a member when I wrote him), and I've been as smitten as one can be from an exchange of e-mails. I had forgotten how much I can love written correspondence (and spend hours on it), and the more this guy shares the more (1) I like him and (2) realize how he is totally not my usual type. For example, he seems very artsy and played with the symphony and sang at a jazz jam on Sunday. He's 5'9 and from New England. He's sensitive. Fingers crossed that if we ever meet, I am attracted to him. He lives in Nashville, and I'm going there in a few weeks....so we'll see.

There's another Match guy I'd like to meet, but this post is long enough.

p.s. I'm grateful that the winter funk seems to be all gone and that my heart is more thankful and joyous.

Match Date #1

This wasn't actually my very first Match date since I did a free trial (or three) over the last few years. I even developed a dating scale for ease of reference in January of 2007.

While I'm not sure where to rank this date on my handy scale, it was certainly not painful. We met at a Greek restaurant I had never tried. "Brent" was dressed well and looked like his photographs. Conversation was fairly easy--not terribly engaging or interesting--but not boring or awkward. He shared about his family, his church, and two of his past relationships. Our waiter was rushing us, so after we finished eating we walked to Starbucks next door and chatted for another hour or so.

I left the date not caring if I ever hear from Brent again. But since I didn't have a bad time (and since I'm a dork I really enjoyed our free will v. Calvinism discussion), and he's a perfectly nice guy...but then throw in the distance factor (he lives 1 and 1/2 hours away)...I wonder if I should give it another date. He wrote me that same night, thanking me for meeting him (as he knows my time is valuable:) and saying that he hopes he has the privilege of my company again sometime. There's some part of me that feels guilty about the idea of him driving 3 hours (round-trip) for another date, especially since I wouldn't want to plan some super long date but would just want to do dinner again. And honestly my interest level isn't to where I'd drive to see him. But maybe since I'm the girl I shouldn't worry about all of that. Thoughts?

p.s. I'm grateful that I finally had a reason to use the cupcake courier my mom gave me for Christmas. And check out the rainbow cupcakes (to match the birthday girl's multi-colored windsuit)....I split the batter into bowls, added food coloring, and then added a spoonful of each colored batter to each cupcake liner. I'm out of red food coloring, so I want to do it again when I can have pink/red/purple too.

Dress to Impress

Last night we celebrated my friend's 27th birthday with a skating party at the local roller rink. We didn't realize it was "Hip Hop and Jam Night" and that we'd be listening to rap all night long; of course the 200 black children (and some of their mamas) didn't realize some old white folks would be dressing up and acting a fool. I was the first one of our group to enter the rink, and most of the seated crowd snickered and laughed as I walked in. A minute later I heard an audible gasp from the crowd and turned around to see everyone taking photographs of my guy friend dressed in tight red knit overalls and jacket a la the 70s. He nonchalantly strolled in, thought "what would Derek Zoolander do?," and proceeded to pop his collar. I'll bet his photographs was taken well over 100 times by the children there.

My costume was especially nice as the pieces of material blew gently in the breeze as I skated around the rink. A few children said "Go fairy, go fairy, go" and asked me why we were dressed up. I explained that it was my friend's birthday and asked them "don't you dress up for your friends' birthdays?"

Several children asked my friend Drew (see the photo to the left) why he was wearing goggles. His answer: "Guy, safety doesn't take a vacation." Oliver also spread the message of safety as he wore a helmet with his suede vest, plaid pants, and 80s Polo shirt. One child asked him how he got so big (he's 6'5 and of course even taller with skates). Oliver explained that it was because he ate vegetables. The child dubiously responded "Are you sure that's all?" After Oliver said yes, the kid asked him if he wanted to skate together. Adorable.

So I finally talked myself into going on a Match date. Tonight. I wrote a guy who lives in Knoxville (right under two hours away) back after procrastinating for several days and told him a few nights that I was free. He wrote back and suggested tonight. I am trying to have a good attitude about it. I'm still not sure what my mental block is about all of this. Maybe it's because I love being alone so much--and having lots of unplanned time--that I'm overly negative about planning something that might not be fun. Of course, I need to focus on the fact that it might be fun. Duh.

p.s. I'm grateful that I've correctly chosen 30 out of 40 games and am in second place with my "Unicorn" bracket. Although this basketball stuff has been stressful, it's definitely fun (now that I'm in second place).....