Monday, October 16, 2006

First Kisses

I'll give you three guesses as to what prompted me to think about this topic.

I love the feeling (excitement, tension, and awkwardness combined) in the air before the first kiss. Usually I know it's coming. On my third date with B.E. I knew he wanted to kiss me. It was after all our third date, and we were having fun. Because I'm mean like that, I subtly thwarted each of his efforts by turning my head, starting a new conversation, or the like. Of course, I finally quit, but it was fun to mess with him.

But my most recent first kiss wasn't exciting at all, and even though I wasn't really looking forward to it (I was tired and not incredibly interested), I went along with it in hopes that the kiss might make me like him more. And although he was techically a good kisser, it didn't.

If I were a guy, I think I'd have to go on at least four dates and see a lot of enthusiasm before I'd muster the courage to kiss someone. Unless drinking is involved in which case I'd try on the first date. But I don't think I'd be the guy that would ask first--that just kind of ruins the moment, but I guess that's better than kissing someone who doesn't want to be kissed. A head turn would be so embarassing.

One of my friends, lets call her Grace, has been dating a guy since last spring. And they still haven't kissed. Yes, I know that seems crazy (they really aren't), but there's something that is slightly appealing about that to me. Imagine a relationship in which you're not totally overcome with thoughts of what you want to do with each other physically but instead talking and really getting to know each other. I guess I call that friendship. Hmm. Well anyway, it's been fun to watch their very intentional relationship and the gradual steps that they've taken in getting to know each other. For example, hand holding was a big deal to them. I think that's kind of cool, and it's refreshing in comparison to everything not being a big deal in our culture. It's like reclaiming excitement. I hate the lack of passion my generation seems to have when it comes to sex. Anyway I could write several posts on that topic--maybe another day.


Aaron said...

I have to ask: Were you listening to Shania Twain when you wrote this blog? :D

Why four dates? Why not three or ten or whatever? And who asks before they drop the first kiss? If you have to ask, then you aren't sure that the other person is ready. Or, perhaps you're like me and you're totally clueless anyway. Asking just defeats the excitement of the first kiss. Asking also provides the opportunity for denial. If you just plant one, you might get the first one for free. ;^)

I'm concerned for "Grace". You make it sound as if this relationship has too many artificial restrictions. It almost sounds as if it's a business relationship to me. Do they have it marked on a calendar when it will be okay to kiss? I wonder if one of them thinks this is a good idea and the other one isn't really thrilled about it and is just going along with it becuase they're genuinely interested in the other?

But I'm with you -- I'd call that a friendship. Different strokes for different folks, but perhaps I'm just selfish. A year in a "relationship" with another person and I haven't so much as kissed them? Impossible (for me). I totally understand wanting to get to know someone without the physical urges, but this seems extreme to me. But who am I to judge? I haven't had a true date since August.

Anonymous said...

Actually I understand that whole not kissing thing. I'm sure you've heard of that Joshua Harris book on the subject. Even though it does sounds ludicrous, it does make some sense. We often move so fast that we forget where we are going. We miss out on some things.

Think about it, as soon as you learned to drive did you really care about riding your bike anymore? The focus in the relationship is always on it's newest aspect. And it's easy to get swept away in the physical before the emotional and spiritual is there.

Mind you, I couldn't do it. But I'm aware of it, and that helps.

hotlips said...

I thought we were gonna keep that between ourselves.

cdp said...

Ally, I loved this post. I haven't had a first kiss in quite some time. And you're right, it can be so much fun; it can also be such a letdown. I did the subtly thwarting thing to a guy I dated briefly last year and he later called me out on it (in a very jovial way) so perhaps we are not as subtle as we think!

Ps, did you see the Bachelor last night? He totally did the asking first thing. I didn't find it all that cute or charming when he did it though, because it was so painfully obviously planned. Like, the entire reason he took that girl aside was to tell her that he'd been wanting to ask if he could kiss her. I was disappointed to see tiara girl get booted, just because she is so nightmarishly entertaining. However, she's coming back to stir drama amongst the remaining bachelorettes. The producers got me on that one. I was going to stop watching once she was off. Apparently though, I'm hooked.

kimberly said...

Does anyone else hate watching people kiss on TV shows like the Bachelor? It feels so awkward. Pretty much that whole show is awkward and painful to watch. I also think the Bachelor looks like Steve Carrell (40 y.o. Virgin guy) from the side.

Ally said...

Kimberly: Yes, it's awkward especially on this show because it seems so staged and weird. And I totally see the resemblance, although I do think the Bachelor is cuter.

Cindy: The dumb Bachelor asking the girl if he could kiss her "inspired" me to write this post. That scene was totally awkward. While the asking if you can kiss someone is generally kind of weird (although I've seen it done in cute kind of way that was endearing), it's super strange when you've been hanging out for less than five minutes (like in that scene with the Bachelor).

Hotlips: Ha. I didn't give your name did I?

Greenlineboy: I love the bike/car analogy. Good point. I haven't finished that Joshua Harris book, but I have read his other one--Boy Meets Girl. While I realize his beliefs can seem extreme to some people, it raises some really good points that forced me to really rethink my view of dating relationships. I referenced it a lot in my last relationship.

Aaron: I was definitely not listening to Shania Twain; I was half-heartedly watching the Bachelor. As for Grace, I'm sorry that I gave that impression of their relationship because that just isn't the case. I don't think they have any set timeline or restrictions at all, and the guy has set the tone (since he is doing the pursuing) and I know Grace is content with the progression. I just think they are both being prayerful and Godly about how they proceed in order to honor God and protect their (and each others') hearts. Of course, five years ago I would have thought this was incredibly weird, but it's been really cool to observe this relationship.

Anonymous said...

I don't like when someone tries to kiss me too soon.... it's way more special and much more fun if it's 'built' up... it's the most awkward thing if someone tries to kiss you and you don't want it... (at least right now)